Stringy Bob
Guest
The recent sad death of Mel Smith has been reported on CNN,Sky News, Fox, ITV news at 10, Channel 4 news.....................but not the 9 o'clock news.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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derrick
The Glue that binds us together.
- Location
- On the edge of London
Don't know if this has been posted before
Don't know if this has been posted before
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw in a magazine. Lady sat at the side of a hospital bed and on the bed was a glass large jar with a pair of eyeballs in, couple up to some medical equipment.
The woman was saying
'On the bright side, your Dad says the motorbike is repairable'
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth... back and forth..... in and out....... She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed..... Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
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"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
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"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
on the road
Über Member
A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: "Up nuts!" And the
inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled: "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled: "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hotdog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied: "Well...everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, `PEANUTS!'."
For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: "Up nuts!" And the
inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled: "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled: "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hotdog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied: "Well...everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, `PEANUTS!'."
Chromatic
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gloucestershire
'What do we want?'
'A Time Machine'
'When do we want it?'
'Doesn't matter'
'A Time Machine'
'When do we want it?'
'Doesn't matter'
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
Inertia
I feel like I could... TAKE ON THE WORLD!!
It was just a glitch in the matrix.
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
What do we want?
Deja vu
When do we want it?
Now, although I've got a strange feeling we've already had it...
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
Chromatic
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gloucestershire
The machine has arrived then!
Maz
Guru
This joke was told to me in Punjabi, but it translates thus:
A married man asks god for help. "Dear god, if you're listening, I need your help. My marriage is on the rocks. I need to spend more time with my wife and try to understand her better."
God is pleased that his servant has asked for help and replies to him:
"My servant, so that you can spend more time with your wife I'll build a road for you that goes straight from your work to your house. Three lanes each way. No more being stuck in traffic. You'll be home in next to no time."
"Thank you" says the man. "What about my other request to understand my wife?"
God pauses and thinks for a while.
"Tell you what...How about I make that road six lanes each way?"
A married man asks god for help. "Dear god, if you're listening, I need your help. My marriage is on the rocks. I need to spend more time with my wife and try to understand her better."
God is pleased that his servant has asked for help and replies to him:
"My servant, so that you can spend more time with your wife I'll build a road for you that goes straight from your work to your house. Three lanes each way. No more being stuck in traffic. You'll be home in next to no time."
"Thank you" says the man. "What about my other request to understand my wife?"
God pauses and thinks for a while.
"Tell you what...How about I make that road six lanes each way?"
