Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Any good jokes....
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
I took my old car in for its service and MOT, when I came back the receptionist said she was sorry but the mechanic had locked the keys inside the car, but not to worry as he would have the doors unlocked in a few minutes. I went to watch and instinctively tried the near side door which opened.
"Hey" I said "this sides open"
"I know" said the mechanic, "I have already done that side."
"Hey" I said "this sides open"
"I know" said the mechanic, "I have already done that side."
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
Actual call centre conversations (Maybe)
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
Q. What is Michael Gove's ideal weight?
A. Three pounds including the urn.
A. Three pounds including the urn.
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
True story but funny: Dorking, in Surrey used to be a first stop for a young copper when training and many funny incidents ensued.
A young lady had locked herself out of her car and asked a policeman to help her, he confidently walked into the ironmongers opposite and asked to borrow a diamond glass cutter and a hammer. He walked back to the car and scored a circle into the side window near the door catch, he changed tools and struck the middle of the circle with the hammer. The poor lads face dropped when instead of a neat hole falling out as planned the whole window shattered, we onlookers all gasped in unison but then all walked away in unison.
I briefly stopped outside the newsagents (double yellow lines) one morning to pick up my newspaper and came out just as a new copper and his mentor came round the corner. The young one took out his notebook and then read me my Miranda rights you know "anything you say - blah blah blah". I said "Bloody hell, you can't be serious?" and he said, as he was writing "Bloody hell, you can't be serious," with that the older one burst out laughing and told me to bugger off.
A young lady had locked herself out of her car and asked a policeman to help her, he confidently walked into the ironmongers opposite and asked to borrow a diamond glass cutter and a hammer. He walked back to the car and scored a circle into the side window near the door catch, he changed tools and struck the middle of the circle with the hammer. The poor lads face dropped when instead of a neat hole falling out as planned the whole window shattered, we onlookers all gasped in unison but then all walked away in unison.
I briefly stopped outside the newsagents (double yellow lines) one morning to pick up my newspaper and came out just as a new copper and his mentor came round the corner. The young one took out his notebook and then read me my Miranda rights you know "anything you say - blah blah blah". I said "Bloody hell, you can't be serious?" and he said, as he was writing "Bloody hell, you can't be serious," with that the older one burst out laughing and told me to bugger off.
Night Train
Maker of Things
- Location
- Greater Manchester
Reminds me of a time when I was a young mechanic.
I was just parking up outside a motor factor when a lad asks if I could help as he had locked his keys in his car. I looked it over and said to give me a moment and I'll sort it out.
I popped over to the motor factor's and asked if I could borrow the biggest ring spanner in the display rack.
I wondered over to the lad's car and said to him:
Me: This'll sort it.
Lad: What are you going to do with a big spanner?
Me: Break your window!
Lad:
As I swung at his car and at the last moment diverted the ring end of the spanner through the gap in his part opened sunroof and hooked the door latch open with it!Me: Job done!
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Melbourne.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.'
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read, ‘you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you are going to Melbourne.’
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. the more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in, and out came a card that read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to play a violin.'
The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong - i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I’ve got to try this again.'
Back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. it read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong ,as she thought to herself, 'I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.'
She went back to the machine, put in another coin and another card came out.
It read: 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Melbourne.’
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I’ll give it a try and see what it tells me.'
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read, ‘you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you are going to Melbourne.’
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. the more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in, and out came a card that read:
'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to play a violin.'
The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong - i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I’ve got to try this again.'
Back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. it read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong ,as she thought to herself, 'I’ve never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.'
She went back to the machine, put in another coin and another card came out.
It read: 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Melbourne.’
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Somewhere among the chaos, I still have the copied page from the copper's notebook from when I was pulled over on my little Honda. It was untaxed, un-MOT'd, I'd been overtaking on the inside in the bus lane (illegal at the time), probably speeding, and had swerved past a cop trying to flag me down, only to get stopped by another, 100 yards on. In the notes, in the space for 'When cautioned, the suspect said....' It read (in very neat handwriting): God I'm going to get hammered. (In the end they only did me for the tax disc, which I thought was very fair and decent of them.)
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
First Scotrail:
A 19 year old woman received medical attention this afternoon at Glasgow Central Station following an incident which involved a wet floor and a departing train.
Michelle McNulty, from Mount Florida, had been out drinking with a friend in Glasgow City Centre owing to her having a week off from her job as a sales assistant in a Greggs Bakery.
After a few cocktails too many in TGI Friday's, Michelle was spotted ambling flat-footed across the station concourse at considerable speed for someone who weighs 22 stone.
With a king rib supper in one hand and her heels in the other, the inevitable happened.
With insufficient distance to stop herself and the terminal velocity of an Eddie Stobart lorry, Michelle crashed, belly first, into one of our ticket barriers, rendering it irreparable and out of service until it can be replaced with a new, fully functioning barrier.
Whilst awaiting on our on-site first aider and a statement to be taken by the British Transport Police, Michelle proceeded to assault one of our barrier staff by throwing her heels at him whilst he attempted to stop her eating her spilled chippy off the concourse floor.
Stuart Milne is being treated for a minor graze to the head above his right eyebrow as a consequence of the incident.
As Michelle was being ushered away (which took the combined efforts of 5 strapping British Transport Policemen,) the only statement we could obtain from the accused was "I JUST WANTIT MA farkIN' CHIPS BACK, AWRITE?! AAAAH! YER HURTING ME! LET ME PULL MY SHORTS UP, MY FANNY'S HINGIN' OOT. CANNY HUCKLE ME, I'M SEXY AN' I KNOW IT, WHOOOOOOO!"
We hope Michelle isn't feeling too delicate tomorrow, as she will be billed accordingly for a broken ticket barrier, 7 cracked tiles, a cleaning bill to remove brown sauce from 5 Police uniforms and a fine for a Public Order Offence.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Thanks,
The First Scotrail Team.
A 19 year old woman received medical attention this afternoon at Glasgow Central Station following an incident which involved a wet floor and a departing train.
Michelle McNulty, from Mount Florida, had been out drinking with a friend in Glasgow City Centre owing to her having a week off from her job as a sales assistant in a Greggs Bakery.
After a few cocktails too many in TGI Friday's, Michelle was spotted ambling flat-footed across the station concourse at considerable speed for someone who weighs 22 stone.
With a king rib supper in one hand and her heels in the other, the inevitable happened.
With insufficient distance to stop herself and the terminal velocity of an Eddie Stobart lorry, Michelle crashed, belly first, into one of our ticket barriers, rendering it irreparable and out of service until it can be replaced with a new, fully functioning barrier.
Whilst awaiting on our on-site first aider and a statement to be taken by the British Transport Police, Michelle proceeded to assault one of our barrier staff by throwing her heels at him whilst he attempted to stop her eating her spilled chippy off the concourse floor.
Stuart Milne is being treated for a minor graze to the head above his right eyebrow as a consequence of the incident.
As Michelle was being ushered away (which took the combined efforts of 5 strapping British Transport Policemen,) the only statement we could obtain from the accused was "I JUST WANTIT MA farkIN' CHIPS BACK, AWRITE?! AAAAH! YER HURTING ME! LET ME PULL MY SHORTS UP, MY FANNY'S HINGIN' OOT. CANNY HUCKLE ME, I'M SEXY AN' I KNOW IT, WHOOOOOOO!"
We hope Michelle isn't feeling too delicate tomorrow, as she will be billed accordingly for a broken ticket barrier, 7 cracked tiles, a cleaning bill to remove brown sauce from 5 Police uniforms and a fine for a Public Order Offence.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Thanks,
The First Scotrail Team.
Chromatic
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gloucestershire
"What do we want!!"
"Free hearing aids"
"When do we want them?"
"Free hearing aids"
"Free hearing aids"
"When do we want them?"
"Free hearing aids"
Stephenite
Membå
- Location
- OslO
"What do we want?"
"A time machine!"
"When do we want it?"
"Irrelevant."
"A time machine!"
"When do we want it?"
"Irrelevant."
