Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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Stephenite
Membå
- Location
- OslO
Me and the lads went out in fancy dress at the weekend.
The theme was 'pool party'.
They all turned up in Hawaiian shirts and shorts.
I misunderstood the theme and turned up as a pool ball with the number 3 on it.
I looked like a real odd ball.
The Bathtub Test.
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near a window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR
DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near a window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR
DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
glenn forger
Guest
Went to view a house with period features yesterday.
She goes mad when I call her that.
She goes mad when I call her that.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Teenager in his dad's car, caught by the local Police doing a routine speed check....
Bored copper, "Hello sonny, we've been waiting here all morning for lads like you to come along ..."
" Sorry sir, got here as fast as I could."
They were so impressed with the answer, they let him off with a warning.
Bored copper, "Hello sonny, we've been waiting here all morning for lads like you to come along ..."
" Sorry sir, got here as fast as I could."
They were so impressed with the answer, they let him off with a warning.
glenn forger
Guest
Hitch hiking to Leeds tomorrow. Gonna set off early to avoid the traffic.
s7ephanie
middle of nowhere in France
Paddy & Murphy worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Paddy said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him seventy-five pounds a week employment pay.
Murphy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy one hundred and fifty pounds a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Murphy puts them over his head and says, 'yah, diesel fitter.'"
The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classified as unskilled labor, so she gave him seventy-five pounds a week employment pay.
Murphy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Murphy one hundred and fifty pounds a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stichers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Murphy puts them over his head and says, 'yah, diesel fitter.'"
subaqua
What’s the point
- Location
- Leytonstone
It's a complicated industry, construction, there are so many job titles and terms that it's sometimes hard to remember what everything means. But help is at hand………
TENDER SUBMISSION: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
TENDER SUM: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
SUCCESSFUL TENDERER: A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
ARCHITECT: A man who knows very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.
CONSULTING ENGINEER: A man who knows a great deal about very little, and goes on knowing more and more about less and less until he knows practically everything about nothing.
QUANTITY SURVEYORS: People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYERS: People who go in after the quantity surveyors and strip the bodies.
COST PLAN ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in heaven.
MANAGEMENT CONTRACT: The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
COMPLETION DATE: The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
SUBCONTRACTOR: A gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
CONTRACTOR: A man who starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing nothing due to his association with architects and consulting engineers
QUOTATION: File under 'Fiction'
CONSTRUCTASAURUS: Large Prehistoric Beaver.
FOREMAN: Supervisor who does the work of more than three people.
COWBOY BUILDERS: The unspeakable doing the unmentionable to the unbelieving.
TUNNEL: a circular or elliptical hole, driven through ground which was never foreseen at time of tender, with a large heap of cash at the entrance, and a large group of lawyers at the exit.
COLLABORATIVE WORKING: Sitting in the same open plan office as the architect and client, but only speaking to them through your lawyer.
Value-engineering: The art of making cost-cutting sound constructive.
AGENCY LABOURER - A man who sets himself abysmally low standards which he constantly fails to achieve.
Eco-fication: Making something sound better than it really is so you can charge more and/or get into the press.
SITE ENGINEER - The person expected to know everything with no information or support from construction team and only having the most out of date drawings. Are supposed to know what's going on, even if the Contracts Manager has only the vaguest idea. Provides line & level for operatives, who have no understanding of what it is they are doing. Then do what ever they want trashing the setting out lines and blame the Engineer for anything & everything. Essential skill; must have the ability to walk on just poured / fresh concrete due to Foreman demanding next days setting out!...
Value Engineering: A process which engineers the values instead of valuing the engineering
Seismically Designed High Rise - In an earthquake, the structure will not collapse, but will drop all of its glass and stone panels into the street turning pedestrians into a stew-like mush of pureed flesh.
Classically Proportioned - Traced out of a book of Greek architecture.
Postmodern - Traced out of a book of Roman architecture.
Pedestrian-Oriented - Doesn’t have enough parking.
Contextual - Is surrounded by a lot of other buildings the architect couldn’t tear down.
Contractors Claim - The exact amount required to turn a net loss into a net profit.
Critical Path Analysis - The technique of knowing how much of your shirt you have lost at any moment in time (Comes after Management Contract) or
Critical Path Analysis - The technique that proves that the you more you try and control chaos the more chaos will occur.
Auditors - People who come after the Quantity Surveyors and the Lawyers and check to see if everyone has been properly bayoneted and their bodies stripped. (Comes after Lawyers)
Employers Requirements - A description of work that means something different to each person that reads it.
Contractors Proposal - A description of work that clarifies everything to the point of utter confusion.
Practical Completion - the point at which the innocent are shot and the uninvolved take all the credit.
borrowed from somewhere
TENDER SUBMISSION: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
TENDER SUM: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
SUCCESSFUL TENDERER: A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
ARCHITECT: A man who knows very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.
CONSULTING ENGINEER: A man who knows a great deal about very little, and goes on knowing more and more about less and less until he knows practically everything about nothing.
QUANTITY SURVEYORS: People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
LAWYERS: People who go in after the quantity surveyors and strip the bodies.
COST PLAN ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in heaven.
MANAGEMENT CONTRACT: The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
COMPLETION DATE: The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
SUBCONTRACTOR: A gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
CONTRACTOR: A man who starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing nothing due to his association with architects and consulting engineers
QUOTATION: File under 'Fiction'
CONSTRUCTASAURUS: Large Prehistoric Beaver.
FOREMAN: Supervisor who does the work of more than three people.
COWBOY BUILDERS: The unspeakable doing the unmentionable to the unbelieving.
TUNNEL: a circular or elliptical hole, driven through ground which was never foreseen at time of tender, with a large heap of cash at the entrance, and a large group of lawyers at the exit.
COLLABORATIVE WORKING: Sitting in the same open plan office as the architect and client, but only speaking to them through your lawyer.
Value-engineering: The art of making cost-cutting sound constructive.
AGENCY LABOURER - A man who sets himself abysmally low standards which he constantly fails to achieve.
Eco-fication: Making something sound better than it really is so you can charge more and/or get into the press.
SITE ENGINEER - The person expected to know everything with no information or support from construction team and only having the most out of date drawings. Are supposed to know what's going on, even if the Contracts Manager has only the vaguest idea. Provides line & level for operatives, who have no understanding of what it is they are doing. Then do what ever they want trashing the setting out lines and blame the Engineer for anything & everything. Essential skill; must have the ability to walk on just poured / fresh concrete due to Foreman demanding next days setting out!...
Value Engineering: A process which engineers the values instead of valuing the engineering
Seismically Designed High Rise - In an earthquake, the structure will not collapse, but will drop all of its glass and stone panels into the street turning pedestrians into a stew-like mush of pureed flesh.
Classically Proportioned - Traced out of a book of Greek architecture.
Postmodern - Traced out of a book of Roman architecture.
Pedestrian-Oriented - Doesn’t have enough parking.
Contextual - Is surrounded by a lot of other buildings the architect couldn’t tear down.
Contractors Claim - The exact amount required to turn a net loss into a net profit.
Critical Path Analysis - The technique of knowing how much of your shirt you have lost at any moment in time (Comes after Management Contract) or
Critical Path Analysis - The technique that proves that the you more you try and control chaos the more chaos will occur.
Auditors - People who come after the Quantity Surveyors and the Lawyers and check to see if everyone has been properly bayoneted and their bodies stripped. (Comes after Lawyers)
Employers Requirements - A description of work that means something different to each person that reads it.
Contractors Proposal - A description of work that clarifies everything to the point of utter confusion.
Practical Completion - the point at which the innocent are shot and the uninvolved take all the credit.
borrowed from somewhere
on the road
Über Member
This is a comment (allegedly) from John Cleese on Europe and the individual country reactions to current Muslim terrorism.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved. " Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"; or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"; to "A Bloody nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pi*sed Off" to "Let's get the B****ds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate"; and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards, John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person.
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved. " Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"; or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"; to "A Bloody nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pi*sed Off" to "Let's get the B****ds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate"; and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards, John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person.
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.
"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."
"You can fark right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"
There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."
"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."
"You can fark right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"
There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."
"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
