Any good jokes ... ?

[XRHYSX]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the... builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those self-gratification artists at Jewsons deliver the farking bricks on time.'

 

[Monsieur Remings]

The British......................................






.........................Police.

 

[derrick]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before

him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in

nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes

and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to

find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.



The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him

is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her

neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.



This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such
luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually

getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself,

he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to

order their 7 day - 25kg program.



'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone..

'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink

running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. . .

 

[XRHYSX]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before

him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in

nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes

and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

He lost 31kgs that week. . .

ive heard that one before, but still makes me chuckle

 

[threebikesmcginty]

What did the daddy buffalo say to his boy when he went off to school?

Bye son.

 

[Velo711]

A large Gorilla walks into a New York Bar right up to the counter and asks the stymied Bartender for a Manhattan.
The Bartender quickly prepares the drink and hands it to him, " That will be $17 Dollars." The Bartender says " we don't
get too many Gorillas coming in ordering Manhattan's" The Gorilla says "At $17 Dollars, I'm not surprised."

 

[swee'pea99]

With thanks to The Guardian for printed this old Les Dawson at the weekend...

'I saw six men beating up my mother-in-law. My neighbour said, 'Aren't you going to help?' I said, 'No, six should be enough'."

 

[Silver Fox]

My girlfriend has started having sex with me again, she says she can't afford the batteries.

 

[EltonFrog]

My wife said to me last night in bed, why are you taking so long? I said I can't think of anyone.

 

[PaulB]

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And our Prime Minister is
CLUELESS !!

 

[glasgowcyclist]

Her diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life
is a disaster.

|
v


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v

HIS diary:

Motorcycle wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got
laid.

 

[DougieAB]

On this forum it's more likely to be 'Can't figure out where that clicking noise is coming from, but at least I got laid'

 

[john59]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull shoot and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[Charlote]

A man walks home after a night in the pub & drunkenly decides to take a shortcut through the pitch dark graveyard. He gets about half way throught the graveyard and suddenly falls into a grave. He tries everything to try and get out but realises he's probably stuck there until morning when the grave diggers come back.

All of a sudden he hears someone singing and whistling heading his direction and decides to keep quiet and hide in the corner of the grave just in case he gets into trouble. The singing and whistling gets louder and louder when all of a sudden, another man falls into the grave with him.

He can see that the second man is panicking and trying to climb out and hasn't even realised that there's someone else in there with him, so the first man decides to go up to him. He taps him on the shoulder and says "you'll never get out of here tonight!"...


...He bloody did!

 

[Kins]

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.