Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No bird who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cycling's on
And fetch another beer.
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No bird who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cycling's on
And fetch another beer.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I post this already??????
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I post this already??????
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
From Facebook, outa the mouth of Babes :
What is the creepiest thing your young child has ever said to you?‘
Unsurprisingly there were an array of pretty terrifying responses, and we’ve rounded up ten of the best.
10. Creepy dating advice
‘I jokingly asked: “What’s the best way to get a girlfriend?”
’7-year-old’s response: “Tell her to be my girlfriend or she’ll never see her parents again”.’ – abluesxs
9. Sibling rivalry
‘My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy its a monster..we should bury it”.’ – Like_I_was_sayin
8. Watch out grandma
‘Not to me, but to his grandmother.
‘He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she’s very old, and will die soon.
‘Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.’ – NotTomPettysGirl
7. Goodbye dad
‘I was tucking in my two year old. He said “Good bye dad.” I said, “No, we say good night.” He said “I know. But this time its good bye.”
‘Had to check on him a few times to make sure he was still there.’ – UnfortunateBirthMark
6. Beware of monsters
‘While not something my own child has said, my younger cousin (around 5 at the time) once drew a picture of a a black monster, looked up at me, and said “He told me to draw this. He’s coming for you. You better hide.’ – Nilliak
I see dead people: Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense (Picture: Reuters)
5. Skin peel
‘I was sound asleep, and at around 6am I was woken up by my 4 year old daughters face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, “I want to peel all your skin off”.
‘The backstory here is I had been sunburned the previous week, and was starting to peel. In my sleep addled state however, it was pretty terrifying for a few seconds. I didn’t know if I was dreaming, or what was going on.’ – psalm_69
4. Sibling rivalry part 2
“So I shouldn’t throw him in the fire?”
’3 year old daughter holding her baby brother for the first time.’ – olafthebent
3. Cat crucifixion
‘When I was about 3 we had a cat that had still born kittens. I asked my father if we could make crosses for them, which he did. As he was making them I asked: “aren’t those too small?”
‘Dad: “What do you Mean?”
‘Me: “aren’t we going to nail them to them?”
‘Dad: (after several moments silence) “we’re not going to do that”
‘Me: “oh” – Tom_Zarek
2. Past lives
“Daddy, remember that time we died?” –CtrlShiftZ
1. ?!
‘A friend of mine’s child told him “Daddy, I love you so much that I want to cut your head off and carry it around so I can see your face whenever I want”.’ – GatorMcGovern
What is the creepiest thing your young child has ever said to you?‘
Unsurprisingly there were an array of pretty terrifying responses, and we’ve rounded up ten of the best.
10. Creepy dating advice
‘I jokingly asked: “What’s the best way to get a girlfriend?”
’7-year-old’s response: “Tell her to be my girlfriend or she’ll never see her parents again”.’ – abluesxs
9. Sibling rivalry
‘My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy its a monster..we should bury it”.’ – Like_I_was_sayin
8. Watch out grandma
‘Not to me, but to his grandmother.
‘He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she’s very old, and will die soon.
‘Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.’ – NotTomPettysGirl
7. Goodbye dad
‘I was tucking in my two year old. He said “Good bye dad.” I said, “No, we say good night.” He said “I know. But this time its good bye.”
‘Had to check on him a few times to make sure he was still there.’ – UnfortunateBirthMark
6. Beware of monsters
‘While not something my own child has said, my younger cousin (around 5 at the time) once drew a picture of a a black monster, looked up at me, and said “He told me to draw this. He’s coming for you. You better hide.’ – Nilliak
I see dead people: Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense (Picture: Reuters)
5. Skin peel
‘I was sound asleep, and at around 6am I was woken up by my 4 year old daughters face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, “I want to peel all your skin off”.
‘The backstory here is I had been sunburned the previous week, and was starting to peel. In my sleep addled state however, it was pretty terrifying for a few seconds. I didn’t know if I was dreaming, or what was going on.’ – psalm_69
4. Sibling rivalry part 2
“So I shouldn’t throw him in the fire?”
’3 year old daughter holding her baby brother for the first time.’ – olafthebent
3. Cat crucifixion
‘When I was about 3 we had a cat that had still born kittens. I asked my father if we could make crosses for them, which he did. As he was making them I asked: “aren’t those too small?”
‘Dad: “What do you Mean?”
‘Me: “aren’t we going to nail them to them?”
‘Dad: (after several moments silence) “we’re not going to do that”
‘Me: “oh” – Tom_Zarek
2. Past lives
“Daddy, remember that time we died?” –CtrlShiftZ
1. ?!
‘A friend of mine’s child told him “Daddy, I love you so much that I want to cut your head off and carry it around so I can see your face whenever I want”.’ – GatorMcGovern
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
The Top Ten Things Sex and Cycling
Have in Common:
1. Good legs help
2. You can do it alone but it's more fun with your friends
3. Sometimes you skin your knees
4. Most people spend more time talking about it than actually doing it
5. Chains, velcro, lycra, rubber, leather (chamois) ...
6. You have to keep pumping to get anywhere
7. You never really forget how
8. With practice you can ride for hours without getting off
9. It embarrassing to fall off
10. It feels good to change positions once in a while
Update for 21st Century:
11. There are lots of internet sites for both and you can even discuss it with others on various forums.
Have in Common:
1. Good legs help
2. You can do it alone but it's more fun with your friends
3. Sometimes you skin your knees
4. Most people spend more time talking about it than actually doing it
5. Chains, velcro, lycra, rubber, leather (chamois) ...
6. You have to keep pumping to get anywhere
7. You never really forget how
8. With practice you can ride for hours without getting off
9. It embarrassing to fall off
10. It feels good to change positions once in a while
Update for 21st Century:
11. There are lots of internet sites for both and you can even discuss it with others on various forums.
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
I was driving along late last night when I was pulled over by the police. "have you been drinking?" "No, the fat bloke is my brother."
Stringy Bob
Guest
Two beekeepers talking and one asks the other how may bees he has got.
Ten thousand.
Then thousand bees,that sounds like a lot, and how many hives?
Twenty hives.
Second keeper then asks the first how many bees he has got.
First keeper replies a million bees.
God, that's loads, and how many hives?
Just the one.
A million bees in one hive! Isn't that a bit cruel?
Nah, f*** 'em, the're only bees.
Ten thousand.
Then thousand bees,that sounds like a lot, and how many hives?
Twenty hives.
Second keeper then asks the first how many bees he has got.
First keeper replies a million bees.
God, that's loads, and how many hives?
Just the one.
A million bees in one hive! Isn't that a bit cruel?
Nah, f*** 'em, the're only bees.
That is my absolute favourite joke. I love that, I do. I've heard it told better, including three keepers who are attending a bee-keepers fest like but it's got just about everything that has.
Stringy Bob
Guest
One of my faves as well. I am amazed that one or two people I have told it to don't get it.
Ah,well.
