Any good jokes ... ?

[Kempstonian]

Bloke buys a scouse parrot but gets sick of it saying, "I'm from Liverpool." and "I'm hard as nails." so he puts a kestrel in its cage.

Next morning, he finds the kestrel dead, and the parrot says, "I'm from Liverpool and I'm hard as nails." So the bloke puts a golden eagle in the cage.

Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks in the cage, the parrot says, "Had to take me coat off for that bugger."

 

[Houthakker]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.

Deja Vu - All the way back to post 1.
Does that mean this thread has run full circle and is now closed?

Still give it a like though!

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A Scottish politician is invited to Italy on a fact-finding mission hosted by her Italian counterpart.

The Italian politician shows her his Maserati.

"Beautiful isn't it?" he asks the Scot.

"Hmm, yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the Italian points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pocket"

The Scottish politician just nods.

A few weeks later, she invites the Italian to her home in the Borders for a party. Upon reaching the Scot's home, the Italian was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion.

He asks her, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?"

She takes him outside and points in a direction and says...

"You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replies "No"

 

[Cavalol]

I was interviewing a blonde girl today for a secretarial job, and got round to some questions about personality.

"If you only had one flaw, what would it be?" I asked.

"Easy," she said, "A bungalow."

 

[tamiya]

Apparently Viagra is now available in the form of eye drops................

Your don't get an erection but you certainly look hard

Don't rub the eyeballs too hard...

 

[Threevok]

Viagra is now available mixed with Xanax

For life's ups and downs

 

[srw]

Deja Vu - All the way back to post 1.
Does that mean this thread has run full circle and is now closed?

!

As it was in 2014 and 2015 when the same joke (for some values of joke) appeared .

 

[Kempstonian]

Deja Vu - All the way back to post 1.
Does that mean this thread has run full circle and is now closed?

Still give it a like though!

Oh sorry, I didn't read all the early pages. I was just posting some jokes I got in a recent email. Thanks for the 'like' anyway!

 

[Houthakker]

Still made me laugh!

 

[morrisman]

How much wood have you chopped?
Not sure. Let me check the logs.

 

[Cavalol]

My latest production of a classic Rodgers and Hammerstein musical played well in the West End, but was a bit of a flop when it moved to Leeds Playhouse.

It was South specific.

 

[Kempstonian]

Blonde: "Do you have any children?"

Man: "Yes I have one that's just under two"

Blonde: "I may be blonde but I know how many one is!"

 

[Mr Celine]

Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backwards.

Patient: ... and?

DNA is the acronym for the National Dyslexia Association.

 

[PaulB]

Bruce Willis will continue making action movies. Well you know what they say about old habits.

 

[morrisman]

It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.