Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Clearing out my dad's old clothes last month, I found a black wool coat he only wore to winter funerals. Inside the pocket was the village cobbler's receipt slip for a pair of black shoes my dad also wore to funerals- the cobbler had died a few months before my dad. I took the slip in to show his son- who still runs the business. I was at school with him and it was a while since we'd seen each other. After a good catch-up he said they'd be ready Friday.
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A Yorkshireman is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she says no.
He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, has a beer and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.
She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders his beer but goes and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.
‘ Leeds ’ he tells her.
‘So am I, what suburb?’ She enquires.
‘Headingley’ he replies.
‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’
‘ Boycott Street ’ he replies.
‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’
‘Number 20’ he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’
‘Aye, I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’
Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she says no.
He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, has a beer and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.
She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders his beer but goes and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.
‘ Leeds ’ he tells her.
‘So am I, what suburb?’ She enquires.
‘Headingley’ he replies.
‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’
‘ Boycott Street ’ he replies.
‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’
‘Number 20’ he replies.
She is totally astonished. ‘You are not going to believe this’ she screams, ‘but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there’
‘Aye, I know’ he says, ‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster
It was a turtle disaster
TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a Fiver in one hand and pound coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the pound coin and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream shop. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the pound coin instead of the fiver ?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the fiver, the game is over!
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
TEXTING for over 40s,The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. So here are some codes for the more mature...
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?
5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or w@nker anywhere on the way to school
5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or w@nker anywhere on the way to school
TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of running shoes, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? running shoes won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning...
...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm, dry him off and he vil be fine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?"
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I'm f*cking soaked"
...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm, dry him off and he vil be fine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?"
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I'm f*cking soaked"
TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Had a great time watching Fifty Shades Of Grey at the cinema with my girlfriend. The film was terrible but the reaction of the people sitting in front of us after I flicked mayonnaise on them was hilarious.
subaqua
What’s the point
- Location
- Leytonstone
