Any good jokes ... ?

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Joey Shabadoo

My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
 

Cavalol

Legendary Member
Location
Chester
A truck driver walks into a roadside cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks for an order.
The trucker says, ‘I’ll have a burger, chips and a coffee’. He turns to the emu, ‘What about you?’
‘Sounds good to me, I’ll have the same,’ the emu replies.
The waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be £10.50 please’. The trucker reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change and pays her.
The next day, the trucker and the emu return. He repeats his order, ‘A burger, chips and a coffee, please’. The emu repeats, ‘Sounds good. Same for me, please’.
Once more, the trucker reaches into his pocket and produces the exact amount.
This is their routine for a couple of days. One night, the two enter again.
‘I guess you’ll have the usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night. I’ll have a steak, baked potatoes and a salad,’ says the trucker. ‘Sounds great, same for me, too,’ says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be £32.65′.
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘You’ve really got me there, mate. How do you manage to always have the exact change every time?’
‘Well, love’ says the trucker, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there’.
‘That’s brilliant!’ the waitress exclaims. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right,’ says the trucker ‘Whether it’s a carton of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money will always be there’.
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘But mate, what’s with the emu?’
The trucker pauses, heaves a sigh and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a well rounded bottom who agrees with everything I say’.
 
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known her as Christine.
My wife told me she used to be a hooker

I found this quite intriguing and sexy so asked for some details....

Her name used to be Kevin and she once scored a try against the Harlequins...
 
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PaulSB

Squire
I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks. Then it came to me.



Fortnight.

Outstanding :laugh::laugh::laugh:
 

Kempstonian

Has the memory of a goldfish
Location
Bedford
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.
 

Kempstonian

Has the memory of a goldfish
Location
Bedford
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
Apparently Viagra is now available in the form of eye drops................

Your don't get an erection but you certainly look hard
 
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