Any good jokes ... ?

[Leaway2]

@Diogenes ….. View attachment 436562

I think you are being lenient, its a straight red.

 

[Dave7]

I've just been attacked in the street by a bunch of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me.

Last night I spotted an old TV my neighbour had left out. It had a notice attached, which said: "Free to a good home - volume stuck on full". I Thought: "I can't turn that down!"

They do sound very Tim Vine(ish).
But still very good

 

[Dave7]

Nobber...

That good ??

 

[Chris S]

Victoria Beckham went to a Halloween party dressed as a skeleton. Nobody noticed.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

We have three cats and in all the years we've had them, the only one that's never brought a bird home is the ginger one .

 

[Cavalol]

I've been charged with murder for killing a bloke with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit

 

[Cavalol]

My auntie Anne came round yesterday and gave me a hat made of felt for my birthday to go with last year's Christmas present of gloves made of felt. She is so thoughtful about gifts, she always likes to make her presents felt.

 

[betty swollocks]

My next door neighbour, a world famous contortionist, has been very depressed recently.
He's just informed me that he's so tired of life, he's decided to bend it all.

 

[Wixsteman]

I've been charged with murder for killing a bloke with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit

I’m sure you’ll be able to smooth things out

 

[Dave7]

I’m sure you’ll be able to smooth things out

Dont encourage him

 

[Arjimlad]

A man is walking home from the pub late one night along a foggy country lane when behind him he hears

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the lane toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…

FASTER…

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

…on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,






[Wait for it...]








The coffin stops.

 

[Profpointy]

A man is walking home from the pub late one night along a foggy country lane when behind him he hears

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the lane toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…

FASTER…

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP…

…on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,






[Wait for it...]








The coffin stops.

it’s not the cough that carries you off
But the coffin they carry you off-in

 

[Cavalol]

Bought a huge fish from Tesco today, and I when got home all the insides were missing.

Gutted.

 

[Fnaar]

I've been charged with murder for killing a bloke with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit

 

[Threevok]

My mate has just been convicted on two counts of stealing chicken wire

The judge was asked to take two other fences into consideration