Any good jokes ... ?

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Location
Edinburgh
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office.

All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"

Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely -
"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
 

BigonaBianchi

Yes I can, Yes I am, Yes I did...Repeat.
On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm ME!

I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?

"The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
 

georginas dad

Über Member
Location
Frimley
Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy. who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Why were the Indians here first? they had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? boil the hell out of it!

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.
 
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Diggs

Veteran
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office.

All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"

Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely -
"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."
1982 called, they want their joke back.

On a similar vintage note, my fav from that period was;
I went to the Doctor the other day and said "Doctor can you help me, I think I've got Hermes"
He said "Don't you mean Herpes"
I said "No, I'm a carrier."
 

Moon bunny

Judging your grammar
A man in a kilt went into a pub in London and walked up to the bar, as he ordered a pint of beer he very carefully put a carrier bag down on the floor, looking worried the barmaid asked "What is in the bag?" "A Bowie knife with an 8 inch blade, some cannabis, some cocaine and a stick of plastic explosive." was the reply. "Thank god for that" said the barmaid "I thought for a minute it might be bagpipes."
 

swee'pea99

Legendary Member
my fav from that period was;
I went to the Doctor the other day and said "Doctor can you help me, I think I've got Hermes"
He said "Don't you mean Herpes"
I said "No, I'm a carrier."
Reminds me of another from that period: What's the difference between herpes and true love?


Herpes lasts forever.
 

compo

Veteran
Location
Harlow
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse 'NAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-ED' for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the
farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new X5 series BMW. Finding the keys in the
ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and the sped off with
a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the boggy swamp, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies forever.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into the very same
bog, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his
life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

Moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks!
 

PaulB

Legendary Member
Location
Colne
A doctor went on his ward round and was talking to a young lady after her operation. 'How long will it be before I can have sex again, Doctor?' she asked. The doctor paused for a moment, turned away and a tear could be seen running down his cheek. 'Is it serious, Doctor?' she asked. The doctor composed himself, turned back and said, 'no dear, it's not serious at all. It's just that no one's ever asked me that question after I've taken out their tonsils.'
 

stevede

Well-Known Member
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same
without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys
talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on
my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I
joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say
'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be
okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this
may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the
guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there
at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an
even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally
amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating
them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but
each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she
was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on
her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their
strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers,
and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide
if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch
back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in
the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left
in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If
his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if
it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!
 
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