Any good jokes ... ?

[compo]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.


It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my God."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response..

 

[Moon bunny]

What is yellow, sticky and goes round the sun once in every 76 years?

Halley's vomit.

I have one week to improve.

 

[Stringy Bob]

North Korea. A state whose bark is worse than its bite. Ironic, that.

 

[Moon bunny]

I was going to marry an Englishman, but then thought of the mental turmoil any child we had would suffer being half Irish and half English. On the one hand he would always be wanting to drink, on the other he would not want to pay for it.

 

[subaqua]

How many members of The Smiths does it take to change a light bulb?

None of them ever need to. There is a light and it never goes out.

how many liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

None they all sit in the dark talking about how good the old one was.

 

[swee'pea99]

how many liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?

None they all sit in the dark talking about how good the old one was.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbub?

One. And that's not funny.

 

[on the road]

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they are all sitting in the dark waiting for some divine intervention.

 

[Stringy Bob]

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb, the other to hold my penis, err I mean my mother, err my father, I mean the ladder.

 

[on the road]

My wife went to Spain for two weeks for a company training session. I drove her to the airport, we hugged and she said, "Honey, is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?"

I replied, "Yes, a Spanish girl!"

My wife didn't reply and headed off to catch her plane. Two weeks later we met back at the airport.

"How was the trip?" I asked.

She said, "Splendid thank you."

I said, "Where is my present?"

"What present?" she hesitated.

"The Spanish girl." I chuckled.

"Oh," she laughed, "I did what I could, now we have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl."

 

[sdr gb]

I nearly died on a tour of the Nestle factory today when a pile of white chocolate fell on me. I was trapped for ages because every time I shouted "the Milky Bars are on me", people just cheered.

 

[gbb]

I nearly died on a tour of the Nestle factory today when a pile of white chocolate fell on me. I was trapped for ages because every time I shouted "the Milky Bars are on me", people just cheered.

Thanks for that, made my evening

 

[compo]

beware of pensioners

Banned from TESCO

Didn't like shopping there anyway.

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setter’s arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from TESCO’s. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.​

 

[gary r]

I saw two tramps in the park having sex last night.........for gods sake get a box

 

[compo]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

 

[Archie_tect]

A bored frog went to the library and hopped down each aisle muttering, "Read it, read it, read it."