Any good jokes ... ?

[Stringy Bob]

At a recent job interview, I was asked what my biggest weakness is.
"Honesty", I replied.
Interviewer said "I dont think that's a weakness"
I replied, "I dont give a **** what you think.

 

[Stringy Bob]

Tweeted Oscar Pistorious that if he had used shoe polish to black her up, then he might have got away with it. Thought about what I had said and it was out of order really. I mean,why would he need shoe polish?

 

[Cycling Dan]

At a recent job interview, I was asked what my biggest weakness is.
"Honesty", I replied.
Interviewer said "I dont think that's a weakness"
I replied, "I dont give a **** what you think.

At a recent job interview, I was asked what my biggest weakness is.
"I would have to say having sex with the bosses wife"
"What"!!!!! he shouted
I replied, "no definitely making jokes at inappropriate times".

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

Pope Francis asked a cardinal if he knew of a good restuarant. One cardinal recommended a trattoria where the steaks were excellent. he went there, and as he walked in a waiter came up to him. " Welcome holy father, what would you like?"
" I'd like a very rare steak please." The waiter shouted through to the kitchen " A bloody steak!"
" There is no need for that language my son" said the Pope. " Sorry holy father but that's the term we use for a rare steak." The pope ate his steak and went back to the Vatican.
The following day his new curate asked if there was anywhere nearby that did steaks. " Come with me" said the pope and they went to the Trattoria. " Hello holy father,what would you like?" asked the waiter. " I'll have a bloody steak," said the pope. Turning to the curate he asked, " And what would you like?" He replied, " I'll have the same, and plenty of f..king chips!"

 

[Kins]

DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks,
"So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the
SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

 

[Kins]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

 

[machew]

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk. " He knocked on the door and a beautiful woman answered it.
"Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.
"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my breasts would be fine," she said

 

[Moon bunny]

I have just got back from seeing my mother off on the plane back to Belfast. As the train entered the station there was an announcement, "Please take care when leaving the train." so as I alighted I snatched the conductor's wig.

 

[PaulB]

Politics. Since it's the biggest joke of all, I thought these maybe worth posting

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm begining to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."


I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!

 

[Theseus]

Looking through some old emails I came across this lot from 2005 ...

TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
　
BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
　
SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
　
ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
　
SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed.
　
CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
　
PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
　
MOUSE POTATO.
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
　
SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
　
STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
　
XEROX SUBSIDY.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
　
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
　
ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
　
404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
　
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply to all')
　
WOOFies.
Well Off Older Folk.
　
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING

 

[Chromatic]

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying "I need 45 gallons of milk. " He knocked on the door and a beautiful woman answered it.
"Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.
"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."
"Really," replied the milkman. "Do you want that pasteurized?"
"No, up to my breasts would be fine," she said

You are Benny Hill AICMFP

 

[PaulB]

Knowing that you like to keep abreast of the news…

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

 

[Scoosh]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy….”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her on board in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with of the sailors,” she replied.
“He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia.”
“I see,” the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain.
“This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.”

 

[Stringy Bob]

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.
"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and made to get a farking job."

 

[PaulB]

How many members of The Smiths does it take to change a light bulb?

None of them ever need to. There is a light and it never goes out.