Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Brandane
Legendary Member
- Location
- Costa Clyde
A conversation in Heaven:
SYLVIA:
Hi Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi Sylvia. How did you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive!
SYLVIA:
Hi Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi Sylvia. How did you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive!
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
A senior citizens group charters a coach for a trip to Brighton.
An elderly woman comes up to the coach driver and says, 'I've just been molested! Someone touched my downstairs area'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. "Someone just sniffed my downstairs area!"
The driver thought he had a coach load of old nutters, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says "Someone just licked my downstairs area!"
The coach driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey granddad, what are you doing down there?' says the coach driver.
'I lost my toupee and my eye sights not what it was! I thought I found it three times, first I touched it, then I smelt it and then I licked it but each time it gets up and runs away! I think my toupee might be possessed.'
An elderly woman comes up to the coach driver and says, 'I've just been molested! Someone touched my downstairs area'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. "Someone just sniffed my downstairs area!"
The driver thought he had a coach load of old nutters, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says "Someone just licked my downstairs area!"
The coach driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey granddad, what are you doing down there?' says the coach driver.
'I lost my toupee and my eye sights not what it was! I thought I found it three times, first I touched it, then I smelt it and then I licked it but each time it gets up and runs away! I think my toupee might be possessed.'
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
A man walked into a shop and asked for a pound of Irish sausages. The shopkeeper replied I assume you're Irish? The reply came....." just because I asked for Irish sausages doesn't ncessarily mean I'm Irish does it? To which the shopkeeper responded " no it doesn't - but the fact that this is a hardware store does!"
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
My Living Will
Last night my kids and I were sitting watching the T.V. and I said to them " If I ever get in a vegetative state, I don't want to be dependant on a machine and get fluid from a bottle. Just pull the plug"
They both got up, one turned off the telly, one threw out my wine.
They're such delights!
Last night my kids and I were sitting watching the T.V. and I said to them " If I ever get in a vegetative state, I don't want to be dependant on a machine and get fluid from a bottle. Just pull the plug"
They both got up, one turned off the telly, one threw out my wine.
They're such delights!
Last edited by a moderator:
A FARMER DECIDED
HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A FILM
THE USHERETTE ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET HEN, DANDY
WHEREVER I GO, DANDY GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE USHERETTE
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED DANDY DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE FILM STARTED
AND THE HEN BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
DANDY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE FILM
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE BLOKE NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A FILM
THE USHERETTE ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?" THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET HEN, DANDY
WHEREVER I GO, DANDY GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE USHERETTE
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED DANDY DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE FILM STARTED
AND THE HEN BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
DANDY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE FILM
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE BLOKE NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
Stringy Bob
Guest
What's blue and stuffed full of Haribos? Kevin Webster's overalls.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....!
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast....!
Cycling Dan
Cycle Crazy
The real tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius didn't have any arms this would never of happened.
Last edited by a moderator:
Poacher
Gravitationally challenged member
- Location
- Nottingham
Woman walks into fishmongers:
"Two pounds of cod fillets please."
"I'm sorry, madam, I've completely sold out of cod, but there's plenty of haddock. My more discerning customers actually prefer haddock; can I sell you some of that?"
"I need cod, so two pounds of cod, please."
"Sorry, I've just told you, I haven't got any cod."
"OK, I'll just have a pound of cod then."
"I don't have any cod!"
"I know your game, you're keeping it all that Mrs Jones, aren't you?"
"Give me strength! How can I put this? Look, take the B out of bass, and what have you got?"
"Errm, ass?
"Exactly. Now take the P out of plaice."
"Laice?"
"Yes. Now take the F out of cod."
"There's no F in cod!!?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
"Two pounds of cod fillets please."
"I'm sorry, madam, I've completely sold out of cod, but there's plenty of haddock. My more discerning customers actually prefer haddock; can I sell you some of that?"
"I need cod, so two pounds of cod, please."
"Sorry, I've just told you, I haven't got any cod."
"OK, I'll just have a pound of cod then."
"I don't have any cod!"
"I know your game, you're keeping it all that Mrs Jones, aren't you?"
"Give me strength! How can I put this? Look, take the B out of bass, and what have you got?"
"Errm, ass?
"Exactly. Now take the P out of plaice."
"Laice?"
"Yes. Now take the F out of cod."
"There's no F in cod!!?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
Anyone heard this one before ?
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Apparently it is very funny if you can speak German.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Apparently it is very funny if you can speak German.
