Any good jokes ... ?

[Andrew_P]

To be honest I'm surprised we've only had it once before. And before anyone gets ideas, the "orange thing that sounds like a parrot" joke has come round very regularly.

 

[Dave7]

To be honest I'm surprised we've only had it once before. And before anyone gets ideas, the "orange thing that sounds like a parrot" joke has come round very regularly.

Whats blue, red, green (and many other colours) and sounds like a carrot?

 

[simonali]

I think I did a joke thread back when I first arrived here. As those jokes are now over 10 years old maybe they could make a comeback for a new generation?

ETA: https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/joke.5929/

 

[simonali]

This one is also old, but I like it.

A group of school infants go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about horses. When it's time to take the kids to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher & the boys with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes in & helps them by lifting them up one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow. As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is rather well endowed. Trying not to stare, she says "You must be in Year 4".

"No love" he replies "I'm riding Silver Star in the 2.15!"

 

[srw]

Whats blue, red, green (and many other colours) and sounds like a carrot?

A carrot?

 

[betty swollocks]

In Newfoundland and it's just down the coast from 'Heart's Delight' and 'Heart's Content'.

 

[Salty seadog]

[I just heard this on the radio, so it's blatantly stolen]

If you're not meant to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?

I too was there.

 

[Chris S]

Did you hear about the Irish boomerang? It never comes back, it just sings a lot of sad songs about how it wants to.

 

[PeteXXX]

Have you heard about the Aborigini who bought a new boomerang?

He’s still trying to throw the old one away...

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

I was doing some decorating and I used my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

 

[Pro Tour Punditry]

The old guy who makes the patisserie in the local bakers is leaving after 25 years; hard chouxs to fill...

I was back in the bakers today and noticed that nearly every cake was £1, but there was one section where they were priced £5; I thought it was a bit steep and mentioned it to the guy in the shop. "Oh aye" he said "that's Madeira cake"...

 

[simonali]

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says: "Doctor, I've got a problem that I am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."

The doctor writes her a prescription and says: "Take 2 of these a day and see me in a week.”

The woman comes back in a week and says: "These pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible."

The doctor says: "Good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing."

A woman goes to the doctor and says to him "Hello Doctor. I have a very embarrassing issue where I let out little farts as I walk along"

The doc then gets her to walk around the room and sure enough she lets out a squeaky parp with every step. With that he reaches under his desk and pulls out a pole with a big hook on the end.

"Oh Doctor, you're not going to put that up my bum are you?" she gasps.

"No, I'm going to open the window, it stinks in here!"

 

[guitarpete247]

A woman goes to the doctor and says to him "Hello Doctor. I have a very embarrassing issue where I let out little farts as I walk along"

The doc then gets her to walk around the room and sure enough she lets out a squeaky parp with every step. With that he reaches under his desk and pulls out a pole with a big hook on the end.

"Oh Doctor, you're not going to put that up my bum are you?" she gasps.

"No, I'm going to open the window, it stinks in here!"

Woman goes to Dr's and say. "I've got problems with my averies."
He says. "You mean your ovaries". But examines her and says. "I see what you mean. You've had a cockatoo in here."

 

[monkeytennis]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 weeks. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four weeks holiday and five good leads..."

 

[betty swollocks]

Truly shocking vandalism in Hampstead.
The Couscous Klan are not going to like it...