Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
Not a joke, or is it? Brilliant!
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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swee'pea99
Legendary Member
How do you know your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the boot of your car for two hours and see which one is happiest to see you when you open it.
Lock them both in the boot of your car for two hours and see which one is happiest to see you when you open it.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
NWS
Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.
Bob: “How Are You Doing?”
Rocky: “Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing”
Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky’s Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.
Bob: “Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls”
Twins: “Prove It”
Bob (Shouting): “Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?”
Rocky (Shouting Back): “Of Course, What’s The Point Of farking One“
Rocky Has Broken His Leg And His Friend Bob Comes Over To See Him.
Bob: “How Are You Doing?”
Rocky: “Fine, Hey, Do Me A Favor Go Upstairs & Get Me My Slippers, My Feet Are Freezing”
Bob Goes Upstairs & Sees Rocky’s Hot Twin Sisters Laying On The Bed.
Bob: “Your Brother Sent Me Up To Have Sex With You Girls”
Twins: “Prove It”
Bob (Shouting): “Hey Rocky, Both Of Them?”
Rocky (Shouting Back): “Of Course, What’s The Point Of farking One“
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.
After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my p iss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.
So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.
After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my p iss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.
So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Ah, the great master, Cooper!
I was clearing out the attic with my wife. Filthy dirty, covered in cobwebs.........
.........but she's good with the kids.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Tarbo
Well-Known Member
- Location
- Gogledd Cymru : North Wales
I was also up in the attic yesterday and found a Christmas present that I'd forgotten about. A pity really as the kids would have loved that puppy 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too f*****g late pal, I've already started the paperwork."
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too f*****g late pal, I've already started the paperwork."
TonyEnjoyD
Guru
- Location
- Newcastle upon Tyne
A big strip if Tarmac walks into a bar and says to the barman...I'm the M4 so shut up and gimme a pint. So he does.
5 minutes later, another big strip of Tarmac saunters in, sits about 10 feet away from the M4 and says to the Barman, I'm the bloody M1 so gimme a pint and be quick which he does.
After a couple of minutes, the door squeaks open and a small chunk of green Tarmac shuffles quietly up to the bar, the M4 and M1 quickly vacate their bar stools move to the other end of the bar and sit shaking.
The barman approaches the two other asking what's the matter?
Looking toward the measly chunk if green tarmac they reply "We need to stay clear of him, apparently he's a bit of a cyclepath"
5 minutes later, another big strip of Tarmac saunters in, sits about 10 feet away from the M4 and says to the Barman, I'm the bloody M1 so gimme a pint and be quick which he does.
After a couple of minutes, the door squeaks open and a small chunk of green Tarmac shuffles quietly up to the bar, the M4 and M1 quickly vacate their bar stools move to the other end of the bar and sit shaking.
The barman approaches the two other asking what's the matter?
Looking toward the measly chunk if green tarmac they reply "We need to stay clear of him, apparently he's a bit of a cyclepath"
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Permission to groan sir?
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
Permission Granted! 
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
The neighbourhood postman was retiring after 25 years.
On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honour of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighbourhood.
As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.
He knew that this woman’s husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, “When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, ‘screw him, give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honour of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighbourhood.
As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.
He knew that this woman’s husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.
She explained, “When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, ‘screw him, give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea.”
