Any good jokes ... ?

[guitarpete247]

You a Born Mackem GP?

No but used to live there.

 

[screenman]

Are you sure you can take the pain? she asked as she stood above my naked body, brandishing her new stilettos.

I think so, I gulped whilst gripping tightly to the edge of the bed.

Here we go, then, she said, and showed me the receipt.

 

[Kins]

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Velcro - what a rip off!

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his
store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he
thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that
the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something
in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and
invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin
and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of
wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of
a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that
featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

[PaulB]

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called -
The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -
Generation Y.


Why do we call the last group-Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?
Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?

 

[Archie_tect]

That's not funny any more PB....

 

[TonyEnjoyD]

No but used to live there.

I was born and raised there but lived in Newcastle or 12 years now...

And I hate football

 

[Herbie]

I had to give up working at the orange squash factory.










Found it hard to concentrate.

I went to the Doctor i told him "i've broke my leg in 2 places" he said "don't go to those places"

 

[guitarpete247]

I was born and raised there but lived in Newcastle or 12 years now...

And I hate football

I used to live at 8 Roker Bath Road for a year, and went to a few games, about 100 yards away, but lived in other parts of the city (a town when I lived there). Loved cycling out to South Shields and Durham. Went to a gig once in Newcastle, on the bike, with a mate from College.

 

[TVC]

I was born at South Shields General. At the age of three we moved to Jesmond. By five we had gone to the posh part of Leeds, then by 10 we were at Gerrards Cross in Buckinghamshire. I may be the poshest sounding Geordie ever.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

I was born at South Shields General. At the age of three we moved to Jesmond. By five we had gone to the posh part of Leeds, then by 10 we were at Gerrards Cross in Buckinghamshire. I may be the poshest sounding Geordie ever.

You ought to work on that one a bit TVC, rubbish punch line.

 

[Mugshot]

You ought to work on that one a bit TVC, rubbish punch line.

I thought it was very good, a posh sounding Geordie?!

 

[TonyEnjoyD]

I used to live at 8 Roker Bath Road for a year, and went to a few games, about 100 yards away, but lived in other parts of the city (a town when I lived there). Loved cycling out to South Shields and Durham. Went to a gig once in Newcastle, on the bike, with a mate from College.

I was born just up the road by what was the accident hospital back in '62, then lived a few other places in The town.
Small world.

 

[PaulB]

I was born at South Shields General. At the age of three we moved to Jesmond. By five we had gone to the posh part of Leeds, then by 10 we were at Gerrards Cross in Buckinghamshire. I may be the poshest sounding Geordie ever.

Jesmond, posh part of Leeds and then Gerrards Cross! Whooo. You've only ever lived in places where the Fire Stations are ex-directory then?

 

[PaulB]

Right, here's a few.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. 


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. 



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 



I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.