Cycling Dan
Cycle Crazy
I've just had a go at the Postcode Lottery.Or 'Royal Mail' as they're more commonly known.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
You're exaggerating a trifle tony.
tony111
Veteran
Yes, I'll get my just desserts.
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
Kins
Über Member
- Location
- Ystradgynlais, S. Wales
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down.
The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mum asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up again!!
Dad bouncing up and down.
The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her
son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mum asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up again!!
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she'd just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him some more about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him some more about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had
- first married a banker when she was in her 20's,
- then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's,
- and a preacher when in her 60's,
- and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
martint235
Dog on a bike
- Location
- Welling
Ruined a good joke.
Patient: doctor, I can't stop singing "the green, green grass of home"
Doctor: that's easy. You have Tom Jones syndrome
Patient: is it rare?
Doctor :it's not unusual
Can't believe I just went to the trouble of typing that out.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Heard that before.....Ruined a good joke.
Patient: doctor, I can't stop singing "the green, green grass of home"
Doctor: that's easy. You have Tom Jones syndrome
Patient: is it rare?
Doctor :it's not unusual
Can't believe I just went to the trouble of typing that out.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
TonyEnjoyD
Guru
- Location
- Newcastle upon Tyne
You a Born Mackem GP?
The Guy's Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write down this the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. U r in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as syou can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh...
At last a guy has taken the time to write down this the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. U r in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as syou can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh...
