Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

The judge asks the defendant "what do you have to say"
The defendant mutters "f*ck all".
The judge asks the clerk "what did he say".
Clerk answers "the defendant said 'f*ck all' my Lord.
The judge says......"thats funny, Im sure I saw his lips move".

 

[Cavalol]

When my mate told me a simple bar of soap could end my life, you should have seen how I glared at him.

If Lux could kill.

 

[betty swollocks]

A small colony of capybaras has been discovered paddling in the river on the outskirts of Aswan.
When advised they were in the wrong river in completely the wrong continent, they flatly refused to believe it.
They were in denial.

 

[theclaud]

A small colony of capybaras has been discovered paddling in the river on the outskirts of Aswan.
When advised they were in the wrong river in completely the wrong continent, they flatly refused to believe it.
They were in denial.

Slightly OT but have you seen the Shocked Capybara from Planet Earth that's doing the rounds?


View: https://twitter.com/Braydenial/status/977078128232292352

 

[morrisman]

We should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.

 

[Cavalol]

What's the best way to impersonate Victor Meldrew?
A) Don't
B) Leave it

 

[PK99]

The two ages of man.

There are two significant stages in a man's life.

The first happens about the age of 30 when you cease to be visible to any woman under the age of 25 - you fade into the background, wallpaper like.

The second, which I have apparently just reached, happens around the age of 60. One becomes visible again and women under 25 offer you a seat on the tube.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Cavalol]

I wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site's a wonderful thing.

 

[ADarkDraconis]

I wish I'd bought my baked beans online. Heinz site's a wonderful thing.

That's the excuse I give when people ask why I made my eyeglasses out of catsup bottles...

 

[betty swollocks]

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, "I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is."
"Have to love Easter, baby."

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A horse and a donkey meet in the pub. The horse tells donkey about all the races it won. The donkey feels bad about only ever working at Blackpool.

He invites the horse for dinner the next week and buys a huge picture of a zebra for his living room wall.

The horse arrives and asks who it is in the picture.

The donkey says, that's me when I played for Juventus.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Cavalol]

Good news on the zoo hijacking. They’ve released the ostriches

 

[Cavalol]

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter", says the Archbishop of Cadbury.