Any good jokes ... ?

[ADarkDraconis]

How is imitation like a platteau?






They are both the highest forms of flattery.

 

[morrisman]

"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is push us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd us" said the sheep

 

[Cavalol]

My neighbour who's a ventriloquist is celebrating today after his wife gave birth to a 9lb gouncing gagy goy.

 

[simon the viking]

The exageration world championships are being held later this year at a new custom built venue...... the Hyperbole

 

[PK99]

Someone told me brazil nuts were good for the prostate - I tried them every day for a year before someone told me I was supposed to eat them.

 

[TVC]

For plastic Paddys everywhere:

Widespread reports are emerging today to suggest that everyone is currently pretending to enjoy pints of Guinness.

According to the reports, numerous pubs across the country are already full of people taking far too long over a pint and suppressing a shudder every time they take a sip of what is colloquially known as ‘the black stuff’.

The reason for the upsurge in people pretending to enjoy a ‘drink’ that tastes like ditch-water flavoured with misery is St. Patricks Day; A day where people across the globe put on furry green top hats and claim lineage to somewhere in the ‘auld country’.

“I love Guinness, actually,” said Simon Williams, a nobber, as he barely stifled an involuntary retch.

“In fact, I’m one-sixteenth Irish, so that’s why I’ve got a taste for it. I’ll probably be drinking it all the time from now on I’d have thought.”

Mr Williams almost certainly then went on to claim that ‘actually it tastes loads better if you’re actually in Ireland’ despite never having been actually in Ireland in his life.

As pubs are expected to remain full of people like Mr Williams throughout the rest of the day, everyone who isn’t a colossal peanut is advised to stay in tonight and watch Gogglebox instead.

 

[raleighnut]

For plastic Paddys everywhere:

Widespread reports are emerging today to suggest that everyone is currently pretending to enjoy pints of Guinness.

According to the reports, numerous pubs across the country are already full of people taking far too long over a pint and suppressing a shudder every time they take a sip of what is colloquially known as ‘the black stuff’.

The reason for the upsurge in people pretending to enjoy a ‘drink’ that tastes like ditch-water flavoured with misery is St. Patricks Day; A day where people across the globe put on furry green top hats and claim lineage to somewhere in the ‘auld country’.

“I love Guinness, actually,” said Simon Williams, a nobber, as he barely stifled an involuntary retch.

“In fact, I’m one-sixteenth Irish, so that’s why I’ve got a taste for it. I’ll probably be drinking it all the time from now on I’d have thought.”

Mr Williams almost certainly then went on to claim that ‘actually it tastes loads better if you’re actually in Ireland’ despite never having been actually in Ireland in his life.

As pubs are expected to remain full of people like Mr Williams throughout the rest of the day, everyone who isn’t a colossal peanut is advised to stay in tonight and watch Gogglebox instead.

It actually used to be true that Guinness in Ireland was nicer when the british stuff was brewed in 'that there london' but it's all brewed in Dublin these days. Irish guys I knew in my youth all drank the bottled Guinness generally from pint bottles and using a half-pint glass they kept 'topping up''

I like St Patrick's day especially when I lived in 'North Evington' (Highfields) and got to watch the traditional punch up between the Irish and the Irish 'Travellers' at the club on Mere Rd.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A tractor weaved past me on my ride this morning with the driver ranting and raving about Russians and nuclear war.

Farmer Geddon probably.

 

[Lullabelle]

TVC asked me to stop singing Oasis Wonderwall at him
I said maybe

 

[TVC]

There is a wash basin trying to get through my front door.






I'll just let that sink in.

 

[morrisman]

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.

 

[Tim Hall]

This bloke goes to a restaurant and asks what the Soup of the Day is.
"It"s Oasis soup" says the waiter
"Oasis soup, what's that?" he asks
"You get a roll with it"

 

[Cavalol]

Woman goes to a hair salon in Newcastle...

"What can ah dee f'yee pet?" asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please", comes the reply.

"Why aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ah wandered lernley as a cloud..."

 

[TVC]

Woman goes to a hair salon in Newcastle...

"What can ah dee f'yee pet?" asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please", comes the reply.

"Why aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ah wandered lernley as a cloud..."

A lorry full of terrapins destined for Pets at Home was involved in a crash on the Tyne Bridge, the entire load fell into the river below. It was a turtle disaster.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Chap told me his granny died on her 100th birthday. He said it was such a shame as they were only half way through giving her the bumps.