Any good jokes ... ?

[AndyRM]

Sad news about the NME stopping print production.

I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, just in front of my American sitcom DVDs.

I kept my friends close, and my NMEs closer.

 

[Cavalol]

My mum always said 40 was the new 30. Lovely lady, lost her licence years ago.

 

[Ratchet Cat]

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it.

We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy. The Count of Monte Bisto.

 

[TVC]

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them, one to promise a much brighter future, and the rest to screw it up.

 

[srw]

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of this year's FA cup but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.

If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...



... Ithey're in stand C, row 5, seats 31 and 32.

 

[Cavalol]

At breakfast today my wife said shes leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I almost choked on my #Brown

 

[Markymark]

My wife says she’s leaving me for overusing a joke. I nearly choked on my Fray Bentos pie.

 

[Vapin' Joe]

How to speak Irish, lesson 1;

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

(Say it fast)

 

[Hitchington]

What does a sassy horse eat?

Heyyyyyyyyyy

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

 

[Cavalol]

Thanks to all those people who took the trouble to explain to me what 'very' is.

It means a lot.

 

[morrisman]

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I’m a detective, and that we should split up...
I told her that’s great, we can cover more ground that way.

 

[bruce1530]

My girlfriend says I’m more interested in playing poker than in her, and that she’s going to leave me.

I think she’s bluffing...

 

[ADarkDraconis]

I couldn't believe it when the highway department called my partner a thief!

But when I got home all the signs were there...