Any good jokes ... ?

[flake99please]

Years ago a bloke named Arthur used to live a few doors away from me.

I didn't know Arthur that well, but I know he preferred to be called Arti, and so that's the name by which everyone knew him.

One day I heard he'd been arrested for strangling two people in our local Tesco's.

When the police asked him why he'd done it he said he been hired to do it as a contract killing, but that he'd only been paid £1 for the job.

A few days later it was all over the newspapers. The headlines read...... "Arti chokes two for a pound at Tesco's






I'll grab my coat..

 

[ClichéGuevara]

Years ago a bloke named Arthur used to live a few doors away from me.

I didn't know Arthur that well, but I know he preferred to be called Arti, and so that's the name by which everyone knew him.

One day I heard he'd been arrested for strangling two people in our local Tesco's.

When the police asked him why he'd done it he said he been hired to do it as a contract killing, but that he'd only been paid £1 for the job.

A few days later it was all over the newspapers. The headlines read...... "Arti chokes two for a pound at Tesco's






I'll grab my coat..

Shouldn't that be in the odd factoid thread, along with the other Artifacts?

 

[AndyRM]

Shouldn't that be in the odd factoid thread, along with the other Artifacts?

And I thought the joke was bad...

 

[morrisman]

If I had a pound for every time someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of £5.64 with a standard deviation of £1.25

 

[morrisman]

My wife just stopped, and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

I thought to myself, “That’s a very strange way to start a conversation......”.

 

[Profpointy]

There was a chap whose name was Arthur Penis. He really hated his name and changed it by deed poll. He duly put an announcent in the newspaper to tell everyone

"The gentleman formerly known as Arthur Penis would like all his friends and acquaintances to know he will henceforth be legally known as Art Penis"

 

[Cavalol]

Before he died my dad used to drive a JCB. At his funeral his colleagues said that now he’s gone he’s left behind a hole that will never be filled.

 

[Cavalol]

Have you ever tried watching televised sport with ABBA?
"What's the name of the game?"
For the last f*****g time Agnetha! Golf! This one's called f*****g golf!

 

[Cavalol]

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure

 

[AndyRM]

What cheese can be used to hide a horse?

Mascarpone.

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

I ordered 4 Kindles from amazon for Christmas and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.

 

[betty swollocks]

Q: why does Captain Kirk's wife go around with a turd on her head?
A: because William Shatner.

 

[betty swollocks]

Q: why can you never hear a pterodactyl urinate?
A: because the pee is silent.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout. "No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. "One hundred and fifty pounds!” He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight sod!"

 

[morrisman]

I met a Japanese man who had faked his own death, no-one bereaved him.