Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

Q: where do successful waterfowl buy their underwear?
A: victorious egret.

 

[betty swollocks]

Yesterday, I saw a sports car being driven by a very scantily clad sheep.
It was a lamb bikini.

 

[morrisman]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor.
“Doctor, I don’t feel too good,” said the little paper bag.
“Hmm, you look OK to me,” said the Doctor, “But I‘ll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.”
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
“What’s wrong with me ?” asked the little paper bag.
“I‘m afraid you are HIV positive!” said the doctor.
“No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag !” Said the little paper bag.
“Have you been having unprotected sex ?”asked the doctor.
“No - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?” asked the doctor.
“No - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?” queried the doctor.
“No, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag !”
“Well”, said the doctor, “Are you in a sexual relationship ?”
“No, - I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!”
“Then there can be only one explanation.” said the doctor...

“Your mother must have been a carrier!”

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

 

[betty swollocks]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

That's real class. Thanks for sharing.

 

[morrisman]

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.

 

[Profpointy]

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.

that's very good ! Double "like"

 

[JtB]

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!

 

[JtB]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

 

[guitarpete247]

Years ago I was at the bar of my local running the quiz. I'd seen the landlady going round with some raffle tickets. When I finished the first half she came up to me and asked. "Do want any tickets for children with cancer".
I couldn't help myself. I answered with. "That sounds like the worst musical ever".
I did buy a book of tickets though.

 

[Welsh wheels]

How you distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile?

By looking to see whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

 

[lutonloony]

How you distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile?

By looking to see whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Remember that you should never smile at a crocodile

 

[morrisman]

The potato crop from my allotment was very poor this year, they were all much small than expected.

Mind you I should be grateful for small murphys.

 

[PK99]

The potato crop from my allotment was very poor this year, they were all much small than expected.

Mind you I should be grateful for small murphys.

Hopefully, they had lots of eyes to see you through to the next crop.

 

[Profpointy]

Remember that you should never smile at a crocodile

Is that an allegory on the bank of the Nile?