Any good jokes ... ?

[Chris S]

I got a new bike for the mother-in-law last week. Not a bad swap ...

 

[subaqua]

Mod note:

Drawing a line under the scrotum etc jokes here following a number of member complaints.

wheres @Fnaar when you need him

 

[betty swollocks]

I got some small pots of breakfast preserves for Xmas.
I just emptied one of them onto toast, took a bite and immediately felt ill.
I must be going down with some sort of marmalady.

 

[Dirk]

Guy gets a text from his neighbor, “I’ve felt so guilty that I have to confess. While you are at work I’ve been using your wife and I just wanted you to know that it won’t happen again!”.

The man was so angry that he went into the hall and got his gun out of the closet, then went into the bedroom and shot his wife.

His phone dings again with another text message from his neighbor, “Damn spell-check! I said WiFi not wife”.

 

[Andy_R]

My wife just stopped and said "You weren't even listening, were you"

What a weird way to start a conversation, I thought.

 

[Chris S]

Why do Marxists only drink instant tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.

 

[simon the viking]

Sky Sports are broadcasting next year's World Origami Championships. It's on Paper View.

They are also showing the world tomato throwing championship. If you can't watch it live... It will be available on ketchup

 

[Mr Celine]

Sky Sports are broadcasting next year's World Origami Championships. It's on Paper View.

I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

 

[Speicher]

I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

The number of viewers in creases when that is showing.

 

[machew]

TIL that Mtwtf is actually a word in Welsh.¹ A very rude one!

¹You hear it a lot in Welsh pubs around chucking-out time. Example: Shglob mtwtf lwthyngwb.²
²The usual response is "Go Home home, you're too drunk to talk.

 

[Dirk]

Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop. Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse all day.”
The second barber turned to Trump and said, “How about you sir?” Trump replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

 

[ClichéGuevara]

For 2018 I’m opening a new Fitness Club called “Resolutions”. In January it will be full of gym equipment and shouty fitness instructors. For the rest of the year it will become an All-You-Can-Eat buffet.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

Just been to my local hospital & I saw a sign saying " Thieves Operate Here "

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the surgeons

 

[flake99please]

For my New Years resolutions, I will be giving up on innuendo...
It will be long and hard, but I'm sure I will pull it off.

 

[srw]