Any good jokes ... ?

[User16625]

Evander Holyfield is rushed into hospital with life threatening illness. Doctors said he only has 1 ear left.

Trying to live for ever. So far so good.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis please raise my hand.

Why do they call a building a building when its already built?

If a word is mis-spelled in the dictionary, how would you know?

 

[Silver Fox]

A bloke was working in Tesco stacking the shelves with boxes of soap powder when by chance a girl he'd just started dating came in.

"Oi, you told me you were one of the red arrows" she said.

"No" he replied, " I said I was part of the Ariel display team"

 

[cisamcgu]

 

[al78]

Today's lesson
Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

 

[PaulB]

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that pub and pick up a man. Tell him you charge a hundred quid. Any questions and I'll be parked aroundthe corner."​

She stands outside the pub for about five minutes showing her leg,when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"She says, "A hundred pounds."He replies, "All I got is thirty."She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. Whatcan he get for thirty?"​

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job.He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and outpops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says."I'll be right back.." She runs back to Keith."What's wrong?" he asks and she says."Any chance you could lend this guy seventy quid?"​

 

[Stringy Bob]

NASA send 2 monkeys and a woman into space. As the craft leaves the earth's orbit the messages from mission control go:
Control to monkey 1, Check trajectory and compensate if necessary using formula m-3x(zx3+m-cx).
Contol to monkey 2, Optimise life support systems an recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.
Control to woman. Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything!!

 

[Fnaar]

 

[PaulB]

'My dog's got no chin.'
'What does it look like?'
'Gail, out of Coronation Street.'

 

[Kins]

Rob wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Rob got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Rob said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for £200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all five pence pieces!" ​

​

Management lesson: ​

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.





​

 

[GBC]

A lady visited her doctor to complain of a discharge. "Don't worry my dear" said the doctor, "it's nothing to be embarrassed about and we'll soon get it sorted. Now, pop up on the couch there please and remove your underwear." The lady did as requested, heels together when asked, and the doctor went on with the examination. After a few minutes of raking about with various implements and a bright light, he straightened up and said "I am sorry, but I can't see any sign of anything at all there.Are you sure about this?" "Yes definitely," said the lady "it's in my ear."

 

[Kins]

I was in the Tesco Cafe ordering my food and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger?

So I had a fiver each way.

 

[mark st1]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

 

[Kins]

Some local lads from Wales takin the piss at Tesco, nice!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=472407969461199

 

[mrandmrspoves]

I was standing at the bar having a quiet beer when a really ugly woman came up behind me and squeezed my bum. Then she said " Can I have your phone number gorgeous?"
I asked her if she had a pen and when she replied yes I said..........
"Better get back to it quick then before the farmer notices that you're missing!"

 

[PaulB]

For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice derriere but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a big ass - on her way to work.

- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse

- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's curves will cause by the time she reaches 50.

- But only children, the extremely intelligent, and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog!