Any good jokes ... ?

[GM]

Here's a very very old joke, now I'm 63 and I think that I heard it when I was about 12. Anyway.......

This guy is cycling down the road and he notices a naked girl standing on the pavement. To his surprise she calls him over and asks if he would give her a crossbar, sure! hop on he replies. A couple of hundred yards down the road she says " do you realize that I'm naked " he replies " do you realize this is a girls bike ".

 

[Stephenite]

When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

 

[Minotier]

My Irish neighbour has put posters up all over our estate saying 'Missing Cat'.
I said to him, 'Mick ,I thought your cat died before Christmas'
'He did' said Mick, 'That's why I'm missing him'!

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

My Irish neighbour has put posters up all over our estate saying 'Missing Cat'.
I said to him, 'Mick ,I thought your cat died before Christmas'
'He did' said Mick, 'That's why I'm missing him'!

I lost my tree so I nailed a picture of it onto a cat!

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

A salesman is driving down the road when he gets a phone call from his boss, "You've been promoted to head of sales" He swerved slightly in excitement. He got a second call, " you've been promoted to sales director." he swerved a little more at the good news. He got a third call, " You've been promoted to CEO." He swerved ,mounted the kerb and hit a tree. When the police arrived and questioned him he explained, " I just careered off the road."

 

[PaulB]

The birth of our grandson has been such a blessing to us. Now we have a way of testing if the bathwater's warm enough for our elbows.

 

[GBC]

Irishman in a pub tells his pals that he has taken up DIY, and that he's going to knock two rooms into one to make his home bigger. They met a few weeks later and and his pals were keen to hear how he was getting on. "Oh it went fine lads," he said, "the only thing is that ceiling is awfully high now."

 

[Primal Scream]

Two Irishmen visit London for the first time a decide to go shopping, thay are walking along the road and see a shop with the following advert"shirts £1.50" "Suits£5.00" "trousers £3.00".

Paddy says to Murphy Holy mother Mary but that cheap we should by a load of those and sell them back home and make a killing.

Paddy says I will go a sort it out but I wil make out I am English as I dont want to be taken advantage of, he enters the store and says "my good man I will have 30 of yours suits,50 pairs of trousers and 100 shirts" the guy behing the counter says your Irish, no no no your mistaken says Paddy in sn impeccable English accent, the guy says oh yes you are. Ok says Paddy how the hell did you know, to which the man replies.


Because this is a dry cleaners

 

[screenman]

50 Shades of Grey!!

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he savoured the moment.

His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...

and again....and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taught and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said .......
















"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T park the f****** car!!!!


You do it ..... you SMUG b******!"

 

[screenman]

RATIONAL THINKING

As I was soaking in the bath this morning the comfortable warmth of the water facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. One of the things I found my mind gravitating to was the age oldquestion: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after some heavy deductive reasoning, I've come up with thedefinitive answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is far and away more painful than having a baby; here's the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case!!!

 

[screenman]

Young man walks into local dole office to collect his dole and benefits.
He walked up to the counter and said to the guy behind it,
"Hi, you know,I just hate drawing the dole and having to rely on benefits, I would much prefer to have a job. I don't like taking something for nothing you know"

The guy behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent Sir. We have just the job opening for you. A very wealthy old man is looking for a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive his 2013 Mercedes Benz around, he will supply all your clothing. Because of the very long hours he will also supply all your meals. You will also be expected to escort his daughter on her foreign holidays."

"Now! this is rather awkward to say , but, as part of your job you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid 20s and has a rather strong sexual drive"

The young man stood there wide-eyed,

" Jeeeeeez you're bullsh$tting me""

The guy behind the counter blank faced said "Well....you started it"

 

[Moon bunny]

What do you call a weakling cat that wants to marry his mother?



Weedypuss Rex

 

[Primal Scream]

Paddy and Murphy are at the bus stop when paddy says here it comes. A moment later he says its one of the new one man buses. No problem says Murphy, you catch this one and I will wait for the next one.

 

[derrick]

dealing with speeding motorists:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=139857653486

That bought tears to my eyes.

 

[screenman]

A Nun stood in the pouring rain, waiting for a bus to the Convent.

A red Alpha Romeo sports car, driven by a gorgeous blonde wearing expensive clothing and covered in jewellery pulls up and the girl offers the Nun a lift.

The Nun gets in and after a while says to the girl, "How do you get a car like this?"

The girl smiles and says "Sex"

"And how do you afford those expensive looking clothes" asks the Nun

The girl smiles again and says "Sex"

"And all that jewellery"? asks the Nun

"Sex" again, says the girl.

Arriving at the Convent, the Nun gets out and walks to her bare little cell and kneels down to pray.

Just then there is a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks the Nun

"'Tis I, Father O'Brien" came the reply

"Yes" shouts the Nun, "Well you can F.... Off with your chocolate biscuits!"