Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
beanzontoast
Guru
- Location
- South of The Peaks
I was offered various positions at the jack-in-the-box factory.
Nothing jumped out at me.
Nothing jumped out at me.
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
Rupert was stopped in the street by a chugger. After the chugger got her "it's just a pound a week" line out, her target said, "My mother is bed ridden and gets no financial help from social services, I have five children from three divorced wives, and my sister's husband has just died and she is relying on crisis loans to live." I'm sorry", said the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking you for money." "So you should" replied Rupert, "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give any to you?"
Primal Scream
Get your rocks off
- Location
- On the road to hell
Millwall football club, the only club whose supporters cars are up on bricks whilst their homes are on wheels.
grumpyoldgit
Über Member
- Location
- Surrey
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
...
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
...
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
Falwheeler
Well-Known Member
- Location
- Falmouth Cornwall
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back
to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the
first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for
a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks
familiar."
to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the
first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for
a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks
familiar."
Primal Scream
Get your rocks off
- Location
- On the road to hell
A man and his new girlfriend are relaxing in bed after a sex session, she is smoking, she turns to the fella and says "I really like to relax with a cigarrette after making love what do you normally do"
Well he replies " I normaly delete my search history, turn off the PC and dispose of the tissue"
Well he replies " I normaly delete my search history, turn off the PC and dispose of the tissue"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
Skipper
Well-Known Member
- Location
- Hemel Hempstead
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I think you misread the thread title, It says any GOOD jokes... 
