Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
Went to the shop today to get some Hellman's.
Their stocks were all past their sell by date of just yesterday.
That's Mayannaise for you.
A Vicar dies and goes to heaven.He is met by an Angel,Just wait here Vicar while i get you papers.Vicar sits down and notices another door with a sign on it that says clock room.
Excuse me is that a mistake in the signwriting.
No,go in and have a look.So he pops his head round the door.He sees millions of clocks floating in mid air.What is this lot,the Angel replies it's mans clock.Each man has a clock when his time is up it stops.
Some are moving faster than others,ah you have noticed that.Well when a man, erm plays with himself he uses up time a bit faster.Wow thats amazing,everyman you say.
Yes.
Looking around he says i cannot find a clock for rockymountain off cyclechat.
No it's not here it's in the kitchen.
We use it as a fan.
Excuse me is that a mistake in the signwriting.
No,go in and have a look.So he pops his head round the door.He sees millions of clocks floating in mid air.What is this lot,the Angel replies it's mans clock.Each man has a clock when his time is up it stops.
Some are moving faster than others,ah you have noticed that.Well when a man, erm plays with himself he uses up time a bit faster.Wow thats amazing,everyman you say.
Yes.
Looking around he says i cannot find a clock for rockymountain off cyclechat.
No it's not here it's in the kitchen.
We use it as a fan.
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet ?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
I am Irish.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
You had to bring up the Olympics TMN... just when we'd forgotten.
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (Health and Beauty)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady,
'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the b**tard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the b**tard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Lanzecki
Über Member
- Location
- A Boreen, Ireland
Mr Haematocrit
msg me on kik for android
- Location
- Out of the saddle
Falling from a high place is now a sport?
If it is Lance Armstrong is exceptional at that also
