Any good jokes ... ?

[ClichéGuevara]

Two policemen knocked on my door last night, and I was surprised to see they had a picture of my wife with them. One asked if it was her, and I confirmed it was.

"Well I'm sorry," he said, "But it looks like she's been in an accident."
"Yes I know it does," I replied, "But she's good with the kids

 

[ClichéGuevara]

I had to write a blog about Switzerland at work today.

It was really hard as I couldn't think of much positive to write about it.

The flag is a big plus though.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

When my wife walked out, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then, I bought a dog, a new motorbike, made mad passionate love to two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.

She's going to go mental when she gets home from work.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500. If not cured, get back £1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000, so he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is petrol!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! -- That's petrol!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

Dr. Young, having lost £1000, leaves angrily but comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. -- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have any medicine for that so,
here's your £1000 back." and handed Dr. Young a £10 note.

Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!. That will be £500."

 

[ClichéGuevara]

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini, I said to him ''wow, that's a brilliant car'' he replied ''if you work hard, get all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year''

 

[ClichéGuevara]

Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

So I turned it into wine.

 

[srw]

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

So I turned it into wine.

You really are Tim Vine, aren't you?

 

[screenman]

Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.

That is just piano wierd.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

I've been diagnosed as having CDO, it's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order like they're supposed to be...

 

[Seevio]

Accordion to a recent survey, 95% of people won't notice if you replace a word with a musical instrument.

To paraphrase Roy Walker, It's good but it's not post #4652

 

[TVC]

The funeral was held today for the inventor of the dishwasher. His coffin was lowered into the grave, only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

 

[morrisman]

The funeral was held today for the inventor of the dishwasher. His coffin was lowered into the grave, only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

<pedant> The dishwasher was invented by a woman, Josephine Cochrane</pedant>

 

[Welsh wheels]

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

Old Yorkshire farmer sees a man drinking out of the beck.
"I wunt drink that watter mate cos it's full of cow shite and sheep piss"
The man replies, "Could you speak more slowly as I'm from London and didn't understand what you said?"
The farmer replies, "I - SAID - YOU'LL - FIND - IT - EASIER - IF - YOU - USE - TWO - HANDS."