Any good jokes ... ?

[lutonloony]

Started on the Christmas crackers early this year I see

Ooooooooh, saucer of milk for table nine please!

 

[morrisman]

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye Captain! " responds the first mate

 

[flake99please]

I bought a Blur alarm clock which wakes me up to Parklife every morning except on Wednesday's when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.

 

[machew]

Did you know that the Welsh invented the condom by using a sheep's intestine. The English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first

 

[morrisman]

You are driving at constant speed, on your left is a sheer drop on your right is a fire engine, travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig, the same size as your car and cannot be overtaken. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the kiddies merry-go-round you're drunk.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Profpointy]

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye Captain! " responds the first mate

Probably been done but whilst we're on the theme...

Pirate ship about to engage the enemy
First Mate, " the men be ready Cap'n"
Captain " Arrrr !"
First Mate "Sorry Cap'n, the men are ready"

 

[morrisman]

It was reported last night that Beyonce is, in fact, the love child of the late great presenter of 'Record Breakers', Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.

 

[morrisman]

A worker who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 

[betty swollocks]

A worker who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

Very probably, something cushioned his fall.

 

[Oxo]

Very probably, something cushioned his fall.

He only fell sofa, not all the way in.

 

[lutonloony]

[QUOTE 4946510, member: 45"]c/o R4.

As Elvis climbed out of the swimming pool for the 10th time, Priscilla asked "what on earth are you doing?" He replied " I can't help falling in love".[/QUOTE]
Sadly there is no "unlike" button!

 

[raleighnut]

[QUOTE 4946510, member: 45"]c/o R4.

As Elvis climbed out of the swimming pool for the 10th time, Priscilla asked "what on earth are you doing?" He replied " I can't help falling in love".[/QUOTE]
A bit like the Irish fella who drowned in a vat at the Guinness brewery, supposedly he got out 3 times for a wee.

 

[betty swollocks]

Q: Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
A: Too Mennonite.