Any good jokes ... ?

[morrisman]

When we leave the EU can we return to calling the Wizard of 28.3 grammes as the Wizard of Oz?

 

[Smokin Joe]

I was walking through the park yesterday when I came across a tramp and his girlfriend having a blazing row. She screamed at him, "Right, we're finished", and stormed off.

He then emptied his bottle of meths over the bench and started trying to light it.

I yelled, "Oi, WTF are you doing?"

He shouted, "She might walk out on me, but she's not getting the house".

 

[morrisman]

I have a phobia of groups of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

 

[mrcunning]

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.
You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.
To make your choice
text
1 for the money or 2 for the show

 

[mrcunning]

North Korea are trying to reach New York with a missile, if they can make it there they can make it anywhere.

 

[Drago]

Driving home last night Mad Dog Mattis was stopped by the police.

He let the cop off with a warning.

 

[Smokin Joe]

I was coming back from London today when I got a frantic phone call from the wife. "Be careful when you get near Swansea dear, there's a report on the radio about some idiot driving the wrong way down the M4".

"One", I yelled, "There's fecking hundreds of them. I'm having to swerve all over the road to avoid a crash"

Must have been some sort of collective madness.

 

[Arjimlad]

 

[Profpointy]

View attachment 373088

important to distinguish between erotic and perverted. It can be erotic to use a feather as part of romantic foreplay but to use the whole chicken is just perverted.

 

[mrandmrspoves]

He only fell sofa, not all the way in.

I heard he had been to his GP for a check up and was asked to provide a stool sample.

 

[mrcunning]

Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now."3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"

 

[derrick]

Probably on here already but.
A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter

he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a p***s. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"

he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i fondled with one once". "wash ur hand in this holy water and enter heaven"

then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front

"whats wrong?" he asks

the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her arse in it"

 

[Davos87]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[subaqua]

How do you milk a sheep ?








https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/its-so-pretty.223662/