Any good jokes ... ?
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50 Shades of Grey
My missus bought a paperback
In Asda…… Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag
T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared
Oh the sight filled me with dread!
In her hand she held a rope
The other, held a whip!
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip….
Well forty years or so, ago,
I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well
She’s sixty-eight next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn’t be much grimmer…
And things progressed from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer !
She struggled back up to her feet,
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her !!!
Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos
My hips and knees unhinged.
Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.
Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore………...
on the road
Über Member
A Native American brave was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.
"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name.
The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.
"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.
"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"
"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name.
The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.
"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.
"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"
what do you call a bloke with two pieces of bacon on his head jumping up and down? Sheik Mohammed
or with 2 peiecs of bacon on his head walking between 2 buildings? Mohammed Ali
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
Health & Safety @ Christmas
The holly and the ivy adorn the festive walls
Then a man with pen and clipboard resolutely calls
The holly looks too spiky, a safety risk he fears,
Such dangers must be stopped or all will end in tears.
A risk assessment would be wise, I really think you should
Before you make the mince pies or stir the Christmas pud.
Santa Claus? He must not call without a CRB check
Before he visits children on his annual Christmas trek
The reindeer may have foot and mouth and really shouldn’t come
Just patting them may give you nasty diseases of the tum.
The lights upon the Christmas tree may give a nasty shock
The wiring may be faulty, an expert should take stock.
Christmas cards and wrapping a fire risk they may be
Wisest not to buy them and thus be hazard free.
Oh dear the snow is falling, the paths you must keep clear
A fall and broken bones will surely cost you dear.
Eat, drink and be merry, but what about your health?
Cirrhosis and obesity creep up with scary stealth.
Hanging in the doorway I see there’s mistletoe,
I’m sorry but it’s poisonous, it will really have to go.
A brilliant thought is offered, a really clever plan.
‘Why not cancel Christmas?’ says the Health & Safety man.
Then a man with pen and clipboard resolutely calls
The holly looks too spiky, a safety risk he fears,
Such dangers must be stopped or all will end in tears.
A risk assessment would be wise, I really think you should
Before you make the mince pies or stir the Christmas pud.
Santa Claus? He must not call without a CRB check
Before he visits children on his annual Christmas trek
The reindeer may have foot and mouth and really shouldn’t come
Just patting them may give you nasty diseases of the tum.
The lights upon the Christmas tree may give a nasty shock
The wiring may be faulty, an expert should take stock.
Christmas cards and wrapping a fire risk they may be
Wisest not to buy them and thus be hazard free.
Oh dear the snow is falling, the paths you must keep clear
A fall and broken bones will surely cost you dear.
Eat, drink and be merry, but what about your health?
Cirrhosis and obesity creep up with scary stealth.
Hanging in the doorway I see there’s mistletoe,
I’m sorry but it’s poisonous, it will really have to go.
A brilliant thought is offered, a really clever plan.
‘Why not cancel Christmas?’ says the Health & Safety man.
on the road
Über Member
How to tell the sex of a fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swater.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swater.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
Bloke turns up at the pearly gates, to be greeted by St Peter, saying he can get in on condition he can offer one definite good deed he did in his life. The bloke thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I came across a young woman being harrassed by a group of bikers, so I went up to the one I took to be the leader, and I grabbed him by the beard, ripped out his earing, and said: 'Leave that young woman alone, or you'll have me to answer to!' St Peter says, 'That's great. When was this?' Bloke says, 'Oh, couple of minutes ago.'
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
"I've had it with my dog... he'll
chase anyone on a bike".
"Really? What are you going to
do about it?"
"Confiscate his bike."
chase anyone on a bike".
"Really? What are you going to
do about it?"
"Confiscate his bike."
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
I made an impulse buy yesterday, a blindfold. Can't see myself wearing that though!
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Have we done the one about the advert for the person required to check mirrors? I can just see myself doing that.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
Blenda.
Blenda.
An Australian Love Poem.
Who said Australians weren't romantic?
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs' on
And fetch another beer.
Who said Australians weren't romantic?
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs' on
And fetch another beer.
On his way back from the pub and a curry Fred decides he needs to 'do some business'. And fast. He will never make it back home in time so he pushes through some bushes and comes up against the brick wall of a large house. Deciding there is nothing else for it he drops his keks down squats down and produces. He is mightily relieved, just in time too.
Finding some leaves he cleans himself up and re-arranges his clothing.
He looks back before he goes only to see nothing there. He looks, looks all around. Nothing. He knows he produced something, something large too. Puzzled he goes on his way.
All night he can't stop wondering what happened. He is so curious that the following day he goes back and tries to satisfy himself that he wasn't imagining things.
Back through the bushes at the same place he is looking and searching on all fours when he hears an angry voice.
''Oi you, what are you up to'' he glances up to see a real big bloke staring down at him.
''Er? Er? I'm er ............looking for my kids ball it bounced into the bushes.''
''OK. I just thought you might be the bastard who crapped on my tortoise''
Finding some leaves he cleans himself up and re-arranges his clothing.
He looks back before he goes only to see nothing there. He looks, looks all around. Nothing. He knows he produced something, something large too. Puzzled he goes on his way.
All night he can't stop wondering what happened. He is so curious that the following day he goes back and tries to satisfy himself that he wasn't imagining things.
Back through the bushes at the same place he is looking and searching on all fours when he hears an angry voice.
''Oi you, what are you up to'' he glances up to see a real big bloke staring down at him.
''Er? Er? I'm er ............looking for my kids ball it bounced into the bushes.''
''OK. I just thought you might be the bastard who crapped on my tortoise''
