Any good jokes ... ?

[srw]

Things that nobody has ever said ever, No. 174

"Wow that was a great 98 mile bike ride"

That's exactly what I said after the 2015 Ride London, when we were diverted up the side of Leith Hill.

 

[morrisman]

It's really difficult finding stuff on eBay.

I searched for 'cigarette lighter' and got over 15,000 matches.

 

[Smokin Joe]

After a Nigerian man was found dead in his flat today police found $45,000,000 dollars packed into a large trunk. It turned out he had been trying to give it away for years but nobody would answer his emails.

 

[JtB]

Property prices in London are going absolutely mental. Some daft old biddy has just paid £1bn for a house on Downing Street.

I'm not going to 'like' that because the daft old biddy is paying for her house with OUR money.

 

[morrisman]

Imagine, if you will, a world with no hypothetical situations.

 

[srw]

Hello! Hello! This is HMS Dreadnought. We are sinking!

Hello Dreadnought. Kiel coastguard hier. Vot are you sinking?





(Acknowledgments to our Dutch sailmaking B&B host last night)

 

[ufkacbln]

Reminds me of this :

 

[subaqua]

Reminds me of this :

even better

 

[morrisman]

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

 

[Welsh wheels]

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything.

 

[Gasman]

Not everyone gets that joke...

 

[Smokin Joe]

I've just been arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I was in McDonalds eating.

 

[Andy_R]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

 

[Andy_R]

Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.

I was minding my own business, then "Bosch".

 

[Smokin Joe]

I was mugged today and had my wallet stolen. The bloke hit me from behind, I went down and didn't even see him, just caught the back of him as he ran off.

I told the police that all I knew about him was that he was a vegan. "How did you know that if you didn't even get a look at him?", asked the copper.

I replied, "He told me as he ran off".