flake99please
We all scream for ice cream
- Location
- Edinburgh
I found £11.70 on the pavement on the way to shops today and thought some other bloke was going to pick it up, but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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simon the viking
Guru
Pink plants..........they're the fuchsia
In Gibraltar there used to be a long pier where ships moored and Matelots had to be back on board by a certain time, otherwise you could be punished...
So...
Captain is hearing the misdeeds of his crew the following morning.
First guy comes in, salutes smartly, the charge that he was late on board was read out, and he is asked to explain
" I was out on the town, and realised that it was approaching the time to return and went to get a taxi.... unfortunately there is a long queue so I decided to go for one go the more expensive horse drawn jobs, but it was slow, so I had tp bribe the driver to make the horse go faster... however half way across the horse had a heart attack and died. SOI had to walk the rest of the way"
Captain agrees that he had made a reasonable attempt to be back on time and lets him off
Second guy marches in, salutes and is again charged with being late.... and comes up with the same story, so does the third
By the time the 4th guy comes in he has heard enough and when the guy starts to speak the Captain says:
OK, you were on time, you went to get a taxi, but there was a long queue, so you took a horse drawn carriage, pushed the horse too hard,half way the horse died of a heart attack, and you had to walk the rest of the way......."
The 4th Guy then replies...
"Not at all Sir, no-one seemed to be using the taxis, so I got a taxi, then half way across the pier there was a pile of dead horses, taxi couldn't get past, so I had to walk. That is why I was late"
So...
Captain is hearing the misdeeds of his crew the following morning.
First guy comes in, salutes smartly, the charge that he was late on board was read out, and he is asked to explain
" I was out on the town, and realised that it was approaching the time to return and went to get a taxi.... unfortunately there is a long queue so I decided to go for one go the more expensive horse drawn jobs, but it was slow, so I had tp bribe the driver to make the horse go faster... however half way across the horse had a heart attack and died. SOI had to walk the rest of the way"
Captain agrees that he had made a reasonable attempt to be back on time and lets him off
Second guy marches in, salutes and is again charged with being late.... and comes up with the same story, so does the third
By the time the 4th guy comes in he has heard enough and when the guy starts to speak the Captain says:
OK, you were on time, you went to get a taxi, but there was a long queue, so you took a horse drawn carriage, pushed the horse too hard,half way the horse died of a heart attack, and you had to walk the rest of the way......."
The 4th Guy then replies...
"Not at all Sir, no-one seemed to be using the taxis, so I got a taxi, then half way across the pier there was a pile of dead horses, taxi couldn't get past, so I had to walk. That is why I was late"
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little baby balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon, but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed. Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses being with Mummy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights he tries to sneak back into Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them. He decides to let some air out of Mummy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed... ...Well the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious. "I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon, "not only have you let your Mother down, .... but you have let me down and let yourself down."
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
srw
It's a bit more complicated than that...
or at least a rational approximation to one.
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
It could be an adder.
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
How can two women play Monopoly at the same time when there is only one iron?
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
I found £11.70 on the pavement on the way to shops today and thought some other bloke was going to pick it up, but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.
U
User33236
Guest
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
Was only on the previous page FFS
You'd think the guy with the guitar would have learned.
U
User33236
Guest
Wife’s diary entry:
Roy was behaving really strange tonight. We went to a restaurant. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. On the way home, I told him I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving in silence.
When we got home, I felt completely lost. He sat quietly and watched t.v.
I showered and got into bed. He followed me 15minutes later and fell asleep. I cried. I’m sure he was thinking of someone else.
Husband’s diary:
A two foot putt. Who the HELL misses a two-foot putt?
Roy was behaving really strange tonight. We went to a restaurant. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. On the way home, I told him I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving in silence.
When we got home, I felt completely lost. He sat quietly and watched t.v.
I showered and got into bed. He followed me 15minutes later and fell asleep. I cried. I’m sure he was thinking of someone else.
Husband’s diary:
A two foot putt. Who the HELL misses a two-foot putt?
