Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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flake99please
We all scream for ice cream
- Location
- Edinburgh
I bought a toilet brush on Saturday. Long story short... I'm going back to toilet paper!
Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
How do you milk sheep?
Release another iphone.
Release another iphone.
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
A man applying for a blacksmith's job was asked if he had any experience of shoeing horses.
He said no but he once told a donkey to fack off!
He said no but he once told a donkey to fack off!
Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
An eldery woman goes to the doctor for a most embarassing problem. After a short wait in the exam room, the Doctor comes in, and she tells him her problem.
"Doctor, this is so embarassing, but I don't know what else to do. For over a month now I have been passing wind almost continuoulsy, and although they are silent, and have no odor, I am so afraid that one will slip out that people will be able to tell. I have passed wind at least ten times just while waiting for you in this room."
The Doctor smiles and says, "Thats quite alright Mrs. Smith, no need to be embarassed with me. I have just the thing to help you."
The Doctor writes a prescription for her and asks to see her next week.
When she returns the following week, she is quite upset. When the Doctor comes in the room she says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but I am still passing just as much wind, and although they are still silent, they smell absolutley rotten!"
The Doctor smiles and says, "Well great Mrs. Smith, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we can work on that wind problem."
"Doctor, this is so embarassing, but I don't know what else to do. For over a month now I have been passing wind almost continuoulsy, and although they are silent, and have no odor, I am so afraid that one will slip out that people will be able to tell. I have passed wind at least ten times just while waiting for you in this room."
The Doctor smiles and says, "Thats quite alright Mrs. Smith, no need to be embarassed with me. I have just the thing to help you."
The Doctor writes a prescription for her and asks to see her next week.
When she returns the following week, she is quite upset. When the Doctor comes in the room she says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but I am still passing just as much wind, and although they are still silent, they smell absolutley rotten!"
The Doctor smiles and says, "Well great Mrs. Smith, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we can work on that wind problem."
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
They say you need to have a lot of balls to publicly admit you have been a cheat all your life.
Lance Armstrong did it on one.
Lance Armstrong did it on one.
Welsh wheels
Lycra king
- Location
- South Wales
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2017: I just shaved my legs
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2017: I just shaved my legs
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
What's the difference between a member of Al-Qaeda and a doctor's receptionist...
You can reason with a member of Al-Qaeda
(I've heard "church organist" substituted for "doctor's receptionist" before)
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
A bit like the one a Nurse told me when I was in hospital having my leg fixed,
What's the difference between God and a Consultant Surgeon?
God doesn't think that He's a Consultant Surgeon.
What's the difference between God and a Consultant Surgeon?
God doesn't think that He's a Consultant Surgeon.
