Silver Fox
Guru
A friend of mine, a lollipop man, has been arrested for theft.
I never thought of him as dishonest but all the signs were there.
I never thought of him as dishonest but all the signs were there.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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KEEP SMILING
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and
so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no
good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"
The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."
He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling to complain.
The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman
and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “ How’s the
problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
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NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and
so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens."
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no
good at all ... can I put up my own sign?"
The policeman said, "Sure, go ahead."
He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling to complain.
The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman
and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “ How’s the
problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The policeman was really curious and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."
So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!
Mr Haematocrit
msg me on kik for android
- Location
- Out of the saddle
So, Lance and Neil Armstrong have recently had a bad time.
Lets hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time alright.
Lets hope their brother Stretch emerges from this tough time alright.
Mr Haematocrit
msg me on kik for android
- Location
- Out of the saddle
Felix Baumgartner, Officialy the highest sportsman since Lance Armstrong.
Cyclist33
Guest
- Location
- Warrington
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
And then she asked "what's the best form of birth control after 50?"
I said "Nudity."
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.
Turns out I just don't give a sh*t.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I joined a health club last year,spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
And then she asked "what's the best form of birth control after 50?"
I said "Nudity."
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.
Turns out I just don't give a sh*t.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I joined a health club last year,spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
I hate those Russian Dolls, they're just so full of themselves.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting giraffe
Interrupting gir... ....Good old Alice!
Who's there?
Interrupting giraffe
Interrupting gir... ....Good old Alice!
Cyclist33
Guest
- Location
- Warrington
I could hardly wait for my X-Factor audition the following day.
It was 24 hours from Tulisa.
It was 24 hours from Tulisa.
Obama and the Queen
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.
Suddenly. The right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.
Suddenly. The right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Hover Fly
Lazy so and so
- Location
- Besides the lake, beneath the trees
/\ From a true story:-
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1427537/Brigadier-Sir-Gregor-MacGregor-of-MacGregor.html
Read the paragraph at the end of his army service.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1427537/Brigadier-Sir-Gregor-MacGregor-of-MacGregor.html
Read the paragraph at the end of his army service.
