Any good jokes ... ?

[Cubist]

An Irish spud farmer has three daughters to marry off.
The first daughter marries a king Edward and the father is delighted.
The second marries a Jersey Royal and the father is delighted.
The third marries a dic tater and the father is not happy.

It works a bit better as follows (circa 1974 as amended to update personalities involved)

An Irish Potato has high hopes for his daughters, with delusions of grandeur.
The first daughter marries a King Edward, much to Da's delight.
The second marries a Jersey Royal, simply adding to Da's immense pride.
The third marries Guy Mowbray. Da can't hide his disappointment: after two marriages into Royalty he had hoped she would do better than a commentator.

 

[CharlieB]

Wise man says man going through airport gate sideways with too much hand luggage is going to Bangkok.

 

[simon the viking]

It works a bit better as follows (circa 1974 as amended to update personalities involved)

An Irish Potato has high hopes for his daughters, with delusions of grandeur.
The first daughter marries a King Edward, much to Da's delight.
The second marries a Jersey Royal, simply adding to Da's immense pride.
The third marries Guy Mowbray. Da can't hide his disappointment: after two marriages into Royalty he had hoped she would do better than a commentator.

I heard it with David Coleman as the punchline.... still a funny joke...

 

[Smokin Joe]

I went into Mothercare this morning and asked the assistant for a maternity dress.

"What bust?", she asked.

"The condom", I replied.

 

[PaulB]

Lionel Messi has been offered a new contract by Barcelona on a massive £450,000 a week!!

Which after tax is about £450,000 a week.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[morrisman]

Read a headline after yesterdays storms which referred to Major Windstorm Doris - I served under him in the 14th Volunteer Indian Rifles.

 

[PaulB]

Just been to Tesco and exchanged 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

I cant believe the currant exchange rate.

 

[Prometheus]

"Don't be sad, with the looks of your contemporaries: someone got it right!"
OR
I’m a Viking, and not used to rules of engagement.
Me and the lads just went in, and slaughtered the lot.

Well It's Friday

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

My wife has left me because I'm too insecure.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

No, wait... she's back. Just went to make a cup of tea.

 

[morrisman]

A man has died after being sat on by a big cat in a circus. It is understood he had under lion health problems.

 

[Smokin Joe]

"Can you read that car number plate from here?" asked my instructor.

I replied, "Yes I can, now will you please open the f*cking parachute".



My new girlfriend came into ASDA yesterday while I was on a step ladder stacking shelves. She yelled, "You're a liar, you told me you were a stunt pilot".

I said, "No I didn't, I told you I was part of an ariel display team".

 

[PaulB]

Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today. Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.

 

[Doseone]

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of moving to Switzerland.

Their flag is a big plus.