Any good jokes ... ?

[roadrash]

not gonna make the same mistake as valentines last year, I booked a table for 8pm, what a farce, by 9.30 she hadn't potted a single red

 

[TVC]

A bad taste Valentine's poem:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Ethels are grey
That's old ladies knickers for you.

 

[morrisman]

I went into my local bank and handed a cashier a large bag of weed. The puzzled cashier asks 'Sir what do you want me to do with this?’. I replied that I just wanted to open a joint account

 

[Hitchington]

Doctor, doctor, my wife has been admitted into hospital for involuntary buttock spasms.

Where abouts is she?

ICU, baby. Shakin' that ass.

 

[screenman]

This made me chuckle.

http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/news...ng-cyclists-50-fine-not-wearing-helmet-311858

 

[roadrash]

Ha as if it wasn't bad enough the leaflet says fines will be issued for HELMETS USED CORRECTLY

 

[DaveReading]

To be fair, the whole flyer looks like it's been written by an indecisive greengrocer who can't decide between road user's and road users'.

 

[Venod]

 

[TVC]

When I went for my prostrate exam I prepared to bend over and asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

 

[Dave7]

An old friend once gave me a Parakeet as a present.
The b****y thing just would not shut up.

The Parakeet was OK though.

 

[morrisman]

I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.
It was pretty rubbish.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Electric_Andy]

I went into a shop the other day that had a sign outside saying "everything reduced", and i came out smaller

 

[Profpointy]

Ha as if it wasn't bad enough the leaflet says fines will be issued for HELMETS USED CORRECTLY

Quite right too. About time we had a bit of anti-helmet hysteria for once6

 

[morrisman]

I saw this Dutch bloke walking the other day looking lost, so I stopped and ask him if he needed directions?
He said "No I've got sat-nav built into my shoes!"
I carried on and thought bleeding clever clogs