Any good jokes ... ?

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My neighbour saw me in the garden smoking a cigar.

"Oi, Jimmy Savile!", he shouted.

"What, this?", I said laughing and holding up the cigar.

"No, get your hand out of my daughters knickers".
 

mark st1

Plastic Manc
Location
Leafy Berkshire
Bunny Rabbit walks in to a pub says to the barman........

Can i have a pint of bitter and a cheese toastie please ?

Certainly replies the barman sit down i will bring it over.

Half hour later rabbit appears at the bar......

Can i have a pint of lager and a cheese and ham toastie please?

Yes sir sit down i will bring it over to your table.

Half hour later again the rabbit appears. Can i please have a double Jack Daniels and Coke and cheese ham and tomato toastie. Of course sir sit down i will bring it over.

Closing time the barman goes outside to collect the empties the rabbit is throwing his guts up in the gutter. "oh dear sir mixing your drinks hey"?

"No" replies the rabbit "mixi ma toasties"
 
Joe Kittinger: Felix, now you're standing outside the capsule, have you got vertigo?
Felix Baumgartner: No, only about 24 miles Joe.
 
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david

Senior Member
Location
wigan
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Bradford
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield Dewsbury, and Pickering

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.

He arrived in Great Harwood, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'
 

ComedyPilot

Secret Lemonade Drinker
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
 
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