Any good jokes ... ?

[GBC]

A Glasgow man dies and goes to Heaven and after a few days, meets up with a pal who had predeceased him. "You know Shuggie," he says, "I've had a good look about now and this Heaven is OK, but it isnae that much better than Glasgow." "Heaven?" says his pal, "Naw, you've got it wrong Wullie, this isn't Heaven......."

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Mummy I dont want to go to america...
ssssh..
Mummy I dont want to go to america..
ssssh I said..
But Mummy I DONT WANT TO GO TO AMERICA!!

STFU and keep swimming!

 

[BJH]

Mate a mine was training to be a para.

On his first jump he couldn't push himself out of the plane with nerves, the drill instructor who was a 6 foot 5 inch guy from the Caribbean leaned over his shoulder and said if you don't jump I have a 10 inch kn9b that I am going to shove up your ar5e when we get back on the ground.

Did you jump I asked

I did when the first 4 inches went in he said

 

[Speicher]

I was at my nephew's house and I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper. He said he was very sorry, didn't I know that newspapers are very old-fashioned, and I could borrow his ipad.

That pesky fly never knew what hit it.

 

[compo]

HOW TO START A FIGHT​

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot​

as a Christmas gift...​

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.​

When she asked me why, I replied,​

"well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"​

And that's how the fight started.....​

________________________________​

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire​

while we were in bed.​

I turned to her and said, 'do you want to have Sex?'​

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'​

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'​

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."​

And that's when the fight started.....​

________________________________​

I took my wife to a restaurant.​

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.​

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."​

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"​

"Nah, she can order for herself."​

And that's when the fight started.....​

_______________________________​

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,​

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink​

as he sat alone at a nearby table.​

I asked her, "do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,​

"he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking​

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he​

hasn't been sober since."​

"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on​

celebrating that long?"​

And then the fight started.....​

________________________________​

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting​

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had​

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,​

making beer. Always something more important to me.​

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.​

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall​

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.​

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.​

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again​

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the​

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."​

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…..​

______________________________​

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.​

She asked, "what's on TV?"​

I said, "dust."​

And then the fight started.....​

________________________________​

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,​

and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van​

and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.​

The wind was blowing 80km/h, so I pulled back into the garage,​

turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.​

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.​

I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,​

"the weather out there is terrible."​

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "and, can you believe​

my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"​

And that's how the fight started.....​

______________________________​

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.​

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."​

I bought her a bathroom scale.​

And then the fight started......​

______________________________​

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.​

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.​

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.​

I told the woman that I was very sorry,​

but I would have to go home and come back later.​

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.​

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.​

She said, 'that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'​

and she processed my Social Security application.​

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at​

the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped​

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'​

And then the fight started.....​

________________________________​

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.​

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,​

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you​

to pay me a compliment.'​

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."​

And then the fight started.....​

________________________________​

I rear-ended a car this morning....the start of a REALLY bad day!​

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!​

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'​

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'​

That's how the fight started…..​

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with!​

.

 

[swee'pea99]

Why won't Al Qaeda ever bomb a Ryanair flight?
Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.

 

[compo]

Unconfirmed reports say that Abu Hamza has escaped from the convoy taking him to Mildenhall. At this stage, Police are unable to say whether someone on the outside had given him a hand.

 

[Maz]

Detailed images of a woman who carried out a mugging in Riyadh have been caught on CCTV.
Saudi police are looking for a woman...with brown eyes.

 

[smokeysmoo]

Got my Wife a pug dog as a
present the other day.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat............
the dog seems to like her !

 

[vernon]

BREAKING NEWS!!!A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the 5hit out of Jimmy Somerville

 

[Hitchington]

Me and the missus went to a restaurant last
night. Some of the other diners called me
"paedo" and "cradle snatcher". All because
I'm 52 and she's 21...

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

 

[Pete Sobye]

They say that 1 in 4 of us live next door to a paedo.

Not me, I live next a 14 year old with cracking tits!

 

[PaulB]

Yet another celebrity has been exposed as having committed a sexual act at the BBC in the 70s. Rod Hull was caught fisting a young bird.

 

[thom]

Two musicians walk past a bar

 

[rikki]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old?"

Well.....You'll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School .

"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! " he beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked

He answered, "in 1965. Why do you ask?"

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that: -

Ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled,
Fat arsed,
Grey haired,
Decrepit,
Old bastard asked....


"What did you teach?!!"