Any good jokes ... ?

[welsh dragon]

This was a photo of the Guildhall loos in Portsmouth.... would have allowed a direct conversation!

Cosy.

 

[Markymark]

My dragons den billionaire investment idea is a heart shaped joined double loo so you and your loved on can crap together in harmony.

 

[Drago]

I took some vinegar I'd bought back to the shop cos it was all lumpy. Apparently it was pickled onions.

 

[machew]

A woman walks into a fancy seafood restaurant and is asked by the waiter to pick something from the aquarium nearby. He woman thinks for a second then says "I'd like that little green squid, the one with the moustache."
The waiter rings up the order and the world famous chef de Face prepares to chop up the squid. After holding the cleaver in the air for several seconds, the squid's moustache quivering and little tentacles shivering, he bursts into tears.
"I can't do it! I can't! He's just so cute with his little moustache and..." de Face sobbed.
"Give it 'ere," the German dishwasher, Hans, said.
He lifted the cleaver, and prepared to cut up the squid. After holding the cleaver in the air for several seconds, the squid's moustache quivering and little tentacles shivering, he bursts into tears.
"I can't do it! He's just so cute with his little moustache and I can't do it don't make me..." he too continued sobbing.
So the moral of the story is: Hans that do dishes are as soft as de Face with bright green...hairy-lipped squid.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Shamelessly nicked from another forum, this is absolutely brilliant -

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/TxNrizGdhtY?vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=0&end=

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Ok but I warned you

Why are elephants wrinkled - answer: have you ever tried ironing one
Why does a hoover suck - answer: it doesnt have any teeth

I got rid of my Hoover.... it was just sitting there collecting dust...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.

 

[wheresthetorch]

Or:

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Sex! I mean Mummy! Oh, err . . .

 

[Nibor]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb got to really want to change.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two but don't ask me how they get in the light bulb.

 

[TVC]

Sort of been done...

How did you get access to @Markymark's bathroom?

 

[Markymark]

Sort of been done...

How did you get access to @Markymark's bathroom?

More importantly how did he get out!!!

 

[gbb]

My uncle told me he was a professional counterfeiter...and he's got certificates to prove it..

 

[shouldbeinbed]

I have been diagnosed with a phobia of escalators

I'm taking steps to avoid the problem.

 

[Nibor]

I would tell you a joke about UDP packet transfer but you wouldn't get it

 

[JtB]

I would tell you a joke about UDP packet transfer but you wouldn't get it

I might if I was lucky.

I would tell you a longer joke about TCP packet transfer and you would get it eventually.