Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Profpointy
Legendary Member
the first two weren't bad but you can have too much of a good thing
mrcunning
Über Member
spotless well 99.9% clean...
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, peanut, explain the dildo!" He said, "Oh yeah? Well, you explain the kids!"
Shamelessly copied:
1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” - Masai Graham
2. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” - Stuart Mitchell
3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” - Mark Watson
4. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” - Mark Smith – 21%
5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second.” - Will Duggan
6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” - Tiff Stevenson
7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” - Gary Delaney
8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” - Adele Cliff
9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” - Annie McGrath
10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” - Jordan Brookes
11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.” - Michelle Wolf
12. “I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” - Roger Swift
13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” - Arthur Smith
14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” - Zoe Lyons
15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” - Phil Nicol
1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” - Masai Graham
2. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…” - Stuart Mitchell
3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” - Mark Watson
4. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” - Mark Smith – 21%
5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second.” - Will Duggan
6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” - Tiff Stevenson
7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” - Gary Delaney
8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” - Adele Cliff
9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” - Annie McGrath
10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” - Jordan Brookes
11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.” - Michelle Wolf
12. “I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” - Roger Swift
13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” - Arthur Smith
14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” - Zoe Lyons
15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” - Phil Nicol
Starchivore
I don't know much about Cinco de Mayo
- Location
- Halifax, West Yorkshire
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire...!!
(Stolen from Reddit)
Attire...!!
(Stolen from Reddit)
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
It's ok..I don't think they'll want it back.
Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
A man goes into a Scottish baker's.
"How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's twa poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
.
.
.
.
"That's Madeira cake."..
"How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's twa poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
.
.
.
.
"That's Madeira cake."..
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Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
numbnuts
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gone over the hill and far away
Patient - Doctor I need something to firm up my stools
Doctor – if you bought those cheap stools from Ikea your wasting your time there rubbish
Doctor – if you bought those cheap stools from Ikea your wasting your time there rubbish
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.
machew
Veteran
The instructions "hold down and screw" on pharmaceutical containers have yet again caused problems with a young chemists assistant and it's highly likely I'll be charged with sexual assault.
The drugs companies have a lot to answer for with their unclear instructions and I, for one, have stopped taking my meds.
The drugs companies have a lot to answer for with their unclear instructions and I, for one, have stopped taking my meds.
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Women love a man with a sense of humour, and apparently there's nothing more hilarious than a million pounds in the bank.
