Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Are you sure it wasn't an annual reminder from your Tokyo Optician?
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face...
now I'm in Geneva!
Then I saw her face...
now I'm in Geneva!
Fnaar
Smutmaster General
- Location
- Thumberland
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We’re the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat ’em!"
" Aha!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase."
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We’re the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat ’em!"
" Aha!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase."
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Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses...one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
An elderly couple are getting ready for bed when the husband gets on his knees beside the bed and starts praying.
"What are you doing?" asks his wife
"I'm praying for guidance", he replies.
"Well pray for stiffness instead, I can provide the guidance"
"What are you doing?" asks his wife
"I'm praying for guidance", he replies.
"Well pray for stiffness instead, I can provide the guidance"
gaz71
Über Member
- Location
- teddington
My missus asked me to pass her the lip balm but i accidentally gave her some superglue instead.
Shes still not talking to me.
Shes still not talking to me.
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Profpointy
Legendary Member
On a similar vein to @Dave7 's pilot joke there's a story about Ray Charles at the height of his fame, as a regular flyer getting quite friendly with the pilots and crew. Plane had stopped for refuelling or whatever and Ray Charles stayed on the plane. The pilot offers to take his guide dog for a stroll whilst they waited. Other passengers arrived at the steps to see the uniformed pilot, complete with his aviator sunglasses being led around by his guide dog.
Clearly it is time for the classic blind joke.
Two novice parachuters are watching a blind man, complete with chute, flight suit and helmet being helped into the jump plane. They looked with wonder and puzzlement at the sight when by chance an instructor walked past.
"Excuse me" one asked the professional, "I think it's fantastic that the blind man is embracing adventure and is not letting his disability hold him back, but how does he know when he is about to hit the ground?"
"That's easy" said the instructor "the lead goes slack".
Two novice parachuters are watching a blind man, complete with chute, flight suit and helmet being helped into the jump plane. They looked with wonder and puzzlement at the sight when by chance an instructor walked past.
"Excuse me" one asked the professional, "I think it's fantastic that the blind man is embracing adventure and is not letting his disability hold him back, but how does he know when he is about to hit the ground?"
"That's easy" said the instructor "the lead goes slack".
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Did you hear about the newlyweds who got a tube of silicone sealant mixed up with the KY jelly?
Their windows fell out.
Their windows fell out.
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an peanut. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an peanut. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
When I first heard that (back in the 1960s) silicone sealant hadn't been invented so it was good old fashioned putty.
By the 'eck.....young married couples today have things easy
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