Any good jokes ... ?

[derrick]

This thread has died, The best jokes are in the referendum post. Got some real crackers in there.

 

[Diggs]

Will there be light bulbs in England in 2 years?

No light bulbs but we will be allowed 90,000 watt vacuum cleaners

 

[TVC]

At the village fete yesterday I tried face painting.

Who knew you needed consent?

 

[Speicher]

At a local Regatta yesterday, I was tempted to try Dragon Boating.

Getting the dragon into a boat was the first problem. Not to mention finding a life jacket that fitted.

 

[jonyjony]

I did some shopping in Asda today and while i was waiting in the queue the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed any help packing ? I thought jesus it's happening already .

 

[Andy_R]

I tried drag racing last week and failed miserably....dunno if it was the high heels or the tight skirt....

 

[Leaway2]

Once they get around to starting to change it.

And we need to ask again if the light bulb really needs to be changed.

 

[Dave7]

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.


He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

 

[Dave7]

First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.’ As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

‘Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.’ ‘Now, learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid

 

[Maverick Goose]

Jokes? let's all just take Hart...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Now hang on, we didn't actually say there was a light bulb.

 

[Alex H]

My mate has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he is getting married on that day and cannot attend.
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If anyone wants to go instead of him

it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton and the bride’s name is Sarah.

 

[Markymark]

I went to see the Red Arrows yesterday.

After some heart-stopping manoeuvres, near-death close passes with the crowd gasping in fear with hands over their eyes…my wife finally parked the car and we joined the queue.

 

[Lullabelle]

 

[welsh dragon]

Bobby Charlton was asked by a reporter how he thought the England team of 66 would have done against Iceland.

"I think we would have won 1-0". Replied Bobby.

"Only 1-0 " replied the reporter. "Why only 1-0"

" because We're all in our 70's now". Replied bobby