Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

Surely:

At the front of the bus queue is a massive woman with an equally massive arse A person of non specific race, colour, creed, ethnic origin, gender or sexual orientation is standing at the font of a bus queue (which does not imply that there they are in any way not making an informed lifestyle choice by using public transport . .... Nor is the fact that they have a high BMI in any way an indictment of their lifestyle, dietary choice or any possible medical condition)

Their phone starts beeping. a young lad shouts out........"bloody hell, look out, a person of non specific race, colour, creed, ethnic origin, gender or sexual orientation is reversing"

No.............she was bloody massive with a great fat arse

 

[ufkacbln]

No.............she was bloody massive with a great fat arse

At least she was not of a peroxide dependent hair colouring choice - of course recognising that hair colouring is an independent choice and in no way reflects upon the intelligence, class, race, colour, creed, ethnic origin, gender or sexual orientation of the individual in question

 

[glenn forger]

What's the most popular chocolate bar at a Mexican funeral?

























A sombre Aero.

 

[machew]

What’s the most popular chocolate bar at a Mexican funeral?

A sombre Aero.

 

[postman]

I was at the Doctors on Friday morning.It was the last look at my prostate before a decision was made how to deal with it.So i am laid on my side,my knees up to my chest.
When in walks the Practise Nurse,with a thermos flask.
"Where do you want me to put this Doctor".
It was then i fainted.
So on coming round the Doctor handed me a cuppa.He explained the kettle had broken just the hour before,and to save the staff from bringing endless cuppa's in.He had sent one out to buy the Thermos.

 

[Markymark]

I bought one of those fancy self winding watches that works on movement to power it.

I think I might need to take it back to the shop as after watching Cheyl Cole on X Factor the other day my watch now says it's June 2023.

 

[ufkacbln]

I was at the Doctors on Friday morning.It was the last look at my prostate before a decision was made how to deal with it.So i am laid on my side,my knees up to my chest.
When in walks the Practise Nurse,with a thermos flask.
"Where do you want me to put this Doctor".
It was then i fainted.
So on coming round the Doctor handed me a cuppa.He explained the kettle had broken just the hour before,and to save the staff from bringing endless cuppa's in.He had sent one out to buy the Thermos.

What is the first thing you say to a Nurse with their hands behind their back?

"Friend or Enema?"

 

[theclaud]

‏As the farmer looked at his barren field, with his half-starved brothers, he realized hoes would in fact have been more useful than bros.

@malt_skull

 

[machew]

went to the zoo the other day and was in the reptile house when I saw this snake stretched across the bottom of the glass tank he was in. I asked the keeper why he would be doing that and he replied,

" oh, that's because he wants to be a windscreen viper"

 

[Dave7]

Who Says the Scots are Tight GC

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which
he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"Hoo much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Five pence" says the chemist.

"Hoo much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square
handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout outside, followed
by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The Regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."

 

[TVC]

• What has six legs and three teeth?
  The front row at a banjo clinic.
• Did you hear about the banjo player that was so out of tune the other banjo players started to notice?
• What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit?
  Will the defendant please rise.
• What's the difference between a Cockatoo and a Banjo?
  One is loud, garish and obnoxious, the other is a bird.
• What is the definition of perfect pitch?
  When one lands a banjo into a garbage can at 50 feet..
• What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
  You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
• How can you tell if the stage is level?
  The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
• Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by a banjo player?
  That's right, otherwise is would have been called a teethbrush.
• Why are banjo's ugly?
  So deaf people can hate em, too.
• FOR SALE. 1930's vintage banjo. Excellent condition. RECENTLY TUNED.
• What's the difference between a banjo and chain saw?
  You can tune a chain saw and it has dynamic range.
• My wife just told me to choose between HER or my BANJO.
  Jeeze I'll miss her.
• What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
  A banjo player.
• How is a banjo like a bomb?
  By the time you hear it, it's too late.
• What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
  You cry when you cut up an onion.
• If you drop a banjo and an accordian off the Empire State Building at the same time, which one lands first?
  Who cares?
• What's the difference between rock 'n roll and bluegrass?
  Rockers play all night without tuning; bluegrass pickers tune all night without playing.
• How do you get a banjo picker off of your porch?
  Pay for the Pizza.
• What's the difference between a banjo player and large pepperoni pizza?
  A pizza can feed a family of four.
• How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
  Three, one to change the bulb and two to argue over whether Earl would have changed it that way.

 

[raleighnut]

• What has six legs and three teeth?
  The front row at a banjo clinic.
• Did you hear about the banjo player that was so out of tune the other banjo players started to notice?
• What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit?
  Will the defendant please rise.
• What's the difference between a Cockatoo and a Banjo?
  One is loud, garish and obnoxious, the other is a bird.
• What is the definition of perfect pitch?
  When one lands a banjo into a garbage can at 50 feet..
• What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
  You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
• How can you tell if the stage is level?
  The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
• Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by a banjo player?
  That's right, otherwise is would have been called a teethbrush.
• Why are banjo's ugly?
  So deaf people can hate em, too.
• FOR SALE. 1930's vintage banjo. Excellent condition. RECENTLY TUNED.
• What's the difference between a banjo and chain saw?
  You can tune a chain saw and it has dynamic range.
• My wife just told me to choose between HER or my BANJO.
  Jeeze I'll miss her.
• What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
  A banjo player.
• How is a banjo like a bomb?
  By the time you hear it, it's too late.
• What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
  You cry when you cut up an onion.
• If you drop a banjo and an accordian off the Empire State Building at the same time, which one lands first?
  Who cares?
• What's the difference between rock 'n roll and bluegrass?
  Rockers play all night without tuning; bluegrass pickers tune all night without playing.
• How do you get a banjo picker off of your porch?
  Pay for the Pizza.
• What's the difference between a banjo player and large pepperoni pizza?
  A pizza can feed a family of four.
• How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
  Three, one to change the bulb and two to argue over whether Earl would have changed it that way.

You forgot the things you'll never hear.

• See that Porsche outside, that's the Banjo players car.
• That georgeous woman, she's the Banjo players girlfriend.

 

[Cubist]

The regimental sergeant major goes to a brothel and asks the Madam
"How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"
"Fifty quid for you love" says the Madam.
"Blimey, that's cheap!" Says the RSM,opens the door and bawls:
"COMPANY!!. BY THE LEFT...... QUICK MARCH!"

 

[Hitchington]

What's blue and white and lives in Jamaica?
A Leicesterfarian.

 

[Hitchington]

[QUOTE 4259259, member: 76"]Most of us are repeating jokes from a couple of years ago, you have managed to repeat one from the previous page. Is this proof we are running out of jokes?[/QUOTE]
I remember the great joke drought of '76 with the likes of Manning, Carson, Bowen, O'Conner et al trying to wring the last drops of laughter from tired and dated routines... but humanity bounced back from the edge of the comedy abyss thanks to 1980s acts Sayle, Hardee, Elton, Mayall...

There is hope.