Any good jokes ... ?

[AndyRM]

FOOD FACT

The original name for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was: Butter, My Arse.

This was rejected after punctuation difficulties.

Just think of the tie in opportunity with Last Tango in Paris: the advert's already made!

 

[Poacher]

The RE Teacher calls in Johnny's mother to complain about his behaviour in class.
"When I asked him who knocked down the Wall of Jericho he said, "Please Sir, It Wasn't me." "
"Listen," says Johnny's mother. "If my boy says he didn't do, it then he didn't do it! OK?"

teacher then complains to the headmaster who says 'well what's this wall going to cost to repair anyway"

A longer and funnier version ('cos it involves more characters) can be found on Mike Harding's "A Lancashire Lad" LP from 1972 - couldn't find this particular track from a brief look on YouTube, but it's probably there somewhere in the middle of a long set. Gist is that MH is teaching in St Emmanuel Cohen's on Cheetham Hill when the schools inspector turns up and wants to ask his brightest pupil a question. Here's a much abbreviated rough transcript.

"There's no brightest here, it's class 14Z - ask him over there, then you won't wake the others up".
"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?"
"Not me sir, I was in our house watching Banana Splits."
"Teacher, what do you have to say about that?"
"Well, he's a good lad, that one. If he says it wasn't him it must have been someone else."
Inspector goes to see headmaster:
"Mr Harding's a good judge of character. If he says t'lad didn't do it, he's probably right."
By now furious, inspector hops on his penny farthing and rides into town to complain to his boss, Miss Pringle, who confirms that she has no problem with the headmaster and his staff and adds:
"Don't release this to the press, we'll get a couple of brickies round in the morning and have it back up again in no time."

 

[Hitchington]

Just viewed a house for sale entirely filled with mirrors.

I thought, I could really see myself living there.

 

[midlife]

What's brown and lives in the attic?






The diarrhea of Anne Frank

Whats brown and sticky?
.
.
.
.A stick


Whats brown and runny
..
.
.
.
Usain Bolt


Shaun

 

[PeteXXX]

I bought a new boomerang last month...



I'm still trying to throw the old one away

 

[machew]

I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified

 

[machew]

Birmingham - How over 1 million people can have the same speech impediment is beyond me!

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.

Sure I read a police force somewhere had tweeted about a robber stealing a crate of Red Bull from an off-license and how they didn't know how such criminals could sleep at night...

 

[TVC]

Sure I read a police force somewhere had tweeted about a robber stealing a crate of Red Bull from an off-license and how they didn't know how such criminals could sleep at night...

Twitter, a couple of days ago, I have already repeated it.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I just bought one of those Fundamentalist sex dolls... it's great... it blows itself up!

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Our local pub is so rough the first question on Quiz Night is Who the fxxk do you think you're looking at?

 

[machew]

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

 

[Maverick Goose]

I've got a new GF who's a psychology student.....everyone keeps saying she's far too Jung for me.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Crackle]

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Threads taken a turn for the wurst.