Any good jokes ... ?

[subaqua]

World rugby citing committee ......

 

[Alex H]

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.


The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not. Show me to the vacuum”.


Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife

says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?


Exasperated, Joe answers, ”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.


“Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”.


So he did (Click Here)...

 

[PeteXXX]

Old hippy joke.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?









Park your car in it, man.....

 

[Cubist]

Old hippy joke.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?









Park your car in it, man.....

Hippy asks the barman for a pie.
"Sorry mate, the pies are all gone."

"Far out man!" says the hippy, "I'll have two"

 

[Markymark]

I went out for dinner last night with Chico and MC Hammer. I asked what time it was.......absolute carnage.

 

[machew]

I'm playing scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left but they mean nothing to me. OVNR.

 

[machew]

An old man is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

 

[wheresthetorch]

I went to the inventor of Optrex' funeral last week.
Wasn't a dry eye in the house.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A myth perhaps, but always made me laugh:

Pia Zadora was in a production of The Diary of Anne Frank. On the opening press night, her performance as the lead character was so awful, when the storm-troopers entered the house at the beginning of the second act, members of the audience shouted out "she's hiding behind the wardrobe."


On the same subject David Mitchell got in a bit of hot water when introducing an episode of the Radio Four panel game The Unbelievable Truth when he said that Anne Frank’s last diary entry was: “It’s my birthday and dad bought me a drum kit."

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I'm playing scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left but they mean nothing to me. OVNR.

'I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be - Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except when playing Scrabble.'

David O'Doherty

 

[Markymark]

A myth perhaps, but always made me laugh:

Pia Zadora was in a production of The Diary of Anne Frank. On the opening press night, her performance as the lead character was so awful, when the storm-troopers entered the house at the beginning of the second act, members of the audience shouted out "she's hiding behind the wardrobe."


On the same subject David Mitchell got in a bit of hot water when introducing an episode of the Radio Four panel game The Unbelievable Truth when he said that Anne Frank’s last diary entry was: “It’s my birthday and dad bought me a drum kit."

Sweating like Anne Frank practising the drums.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Real tweet from Solihull Police:
Create of Red Bull stolen from petrol station. How do they sleep at night?

I stole all of the toilets from our local police station recently. I think I got away with it. They released a press statement claiming detectives had nothing to go on...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle

'I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.'
Eddie Izzard

'What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.'
Shappi Khorsandi

'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay

'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'
Jo Brand

'You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.'
Peter Cook

 

[Profpointy]

'I

'You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.'
Peter Cook

On the last point , in Alan Bennet's memoires, they're trying out one of his plays in a regional theatre, before moving to the west end and audiences tended to be a bit prudish. Before walking out, an audience member was heard to say "I didn't pay good money to listen to these farkers swearing"

 

[swee'pea99]

'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle

'I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.'
Eddie Izzard

'What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.'
Shappi Khorsandi

'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay

'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'
Jo Brand

'You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.'
Peter Cook

Wasn't it Peter Cook who rebuffed an invitation by saying he had a subsequent engagement?