ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
I friends wife wanted an mp3 player, but was adamant she wanted one with a small memory, as she wanted it for jogging, so one with loads of records on would be too heavy.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
There once was a man who loved tractors,
I mean he absolutely LOVED them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you).
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife.
His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.
She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a
"ride".
Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck.
She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital.
Her dying words
"don't blame the tractor honey"
and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.
He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn.
He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he asked her out to dinner.
The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor.
But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky.
So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in.
I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.
When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked
"how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..."I'm an extractor fan."
I mean he absolutely LOVED them.
He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you).
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife.
His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit.
She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a
"ride".
Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck.
She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital.
Her dying words
"don't blame the tractor honey"
and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul.
He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn.
He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he asked her out to dinner.
The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor.
But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky.
So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in.
I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs.
When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked
"how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..."I'm an extractor fan."
NorthernDave
Never used Über Member
- Location
- The real Northern Powerhouse
Several years ago, we bought the MIL one of those (then) newfangled DVD players.
I set it up for her, connected the wire to the telly etc and ran through how it worked. All was going swimmingly until she enquired how to rewind the DVD after watching it...
Groan...............I mean REALLY BIG groan.
machew
Veteran
Using Einstein's E=mc² formula, which states that energy and mass are directly related, Professor John Kubiatowicz, a computer scientist at the University of California, Berkeley, calculated that filling a 4GB Kindle to its storage limit would increase its weight by a billionth of a billionth of a gram, or 0.000000000000000001g. So your friends wife was correct.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
I used to have a customer in Barnard Castle, a Hardware store. Being an old-fashioned market town, it served quite a large rural catchment area and it offered a service where customers could order items and they would get them in. One day one of their elderly customers came in, a widowed farmer's wife from quite a remote farm. During the conversation she proudly announced that her grandson had bought her a brand new phone with a fax machine and she had used it just last week to order hoover bags from the hardware store. Puzzled, the shop owner couldn't recall receiving a fax order for hoover bags so he asked all the staff then quizzed her on exactly when she'd faxed.
"It was last Tuesday, I remember clearly." she said. "I wrote out the order on lined notepaper, sealed it in an envelope, addressed it then posted it into the fax machine - it all worked perfectly..."
"It was last Tuesday, I remember clearly." she said. "I wrote out the order on lined notepaper, sealed it in an envelope, addressed it then posted it into the fax machine - it all worked perfectly..."
Ah but was he loading Light orchestral or heavy Metal on it?
machew
Veteran
The annual garden race was a disaster for one particular participant. Mr. Tomato had had big hopes and had been training for this race the whole year.
Mr. Tomato started off at the lead and maintained that position until nearly the end, but then Mr. Cabbage overtook him to the end. Yup, once Mr. Cabbage got a head, Mr. Tomato could not ketchup.
Mr. Tomato started off at the lead and maintained that position until nearly the end, but then Mr. Cabbage overtook him to the end. Yup, once Mr. Cabbage got a head, Mr. Tomato could not ketchup.
marknotgeorge
Hol den Vorschlaghammer!
- Location
- Derby.
Real tweet from Solihull Police:
Create of Red Bull stolen from petrol station. How do they sleep at night?
I prefer the ones from omarkymarko, he was far funnier.
I was circumcised!
