Any good jokes ... ?

[Hitchington]

Doctor, doctor! I have am impulsive urge to keep stealing Spanish made cars!

Take a seat, I'll be with you in a minute.

Arrrgh!

 

[TVC]

There's a lot of mileage in stealing jokes from Twitter


Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It's my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter...




@stephenjmolloy

Follow Gary Delaney, you get at least a dozen a day

 

[Hitchington]

What do you do if attacked by a mob from the circus?

Go for the juggler.

 

[srw]

Being the definitive contemporary comic form isn't enough?

For $13bn I'd want a hell of a lot more than a technological Tim Vine.



(Although I might just sign up to get some nonsense into my day).

 

[Licramite]

hahahaha that's funny because it means that we hate them all so much we've killed them all and their children. hahahahah

Hang on, no, my mistake, you're an idiot.

No you misunderstand , it means all the muslims will live on earth whilst all the peoples will explore the universe.
It would only occur to a real sick racist bastard to consider your interpretation.

 

[Markymark]

No you misunderstand , it means all the muslims will live on earth whilst all the peoples will explore the universe.
It would only occur to a real sick racist bastard to consider the option.

I'm going with you being the idiot option thanks.

 

[Licramite]

I'm going with you being the idiot option thanks.

you would.

 

[vernon]

you would.

He's not alone...

 

[vernon]

 

[fatblokish]

A friend was knocked off his bicycle by a council lorry treating icy roads last night.
'You bastard', he shouted, through gritted teeth

 

[Smokin Joe]

Mrs SJ told me I really ought to put on a fresh pair of socks each day. What a stupid idea, it hasn't quite been a week yet and now I can't get my shoes on.

 

[Licramite]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.

 

[Profpointy]

Mrs SJ told me I really ought to put on a fresh pair of socks each day. What a stupid idea, it hasn't quite been a week yet and now I can't get my shoes on.

An older-technology joke on same lines is the (supposedly true) story of the guy phoning the help desk because he couldn't get the floppy disk in when installing software - when the thing said "insert next disc". "Why not, what's the difficulty?", "the drive's full", "what do you mean 'full', you can only get one in surely?", "not if you unwrap them first, there's four in there now"

 

[Smokin Joe]

On the same lines, this one is true.

I bought a VW Lupo some years back and when I went in for the first service the workshop manager asked me if I had any problems. I told him I was having trouble getting CDs to fit in the player. Puzzled, because it had a radio cassette he asked me to show him what I meant. I popped out the drawer on the dash and with as straight a face as I could muster I told him the discs were too big to fit and after I'd cut them to size they wouldn't play. He fell for it and started to explain that it was actually the coffee cup holder before the penny dropped.

 

[ayceejay]

My ex MIL was over to visit, always a pleasure. we had other guests and I had CD's playing. At a certain point I was busy when a CD came to the end, MIL went to deal with it she somehow figured how to get the drawer open (I guess 'OPEN' was a clue) but then she came to tell me that it wasn't working. I asked her what she did and she said "I took the record out and turned it over to hear the other side."
True Story