Profpointy
Legendary Member
I do so want that to be true !
Or maybe it was the dyslexic Devil worhshipper who sold his soul to Santa
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
I do so want that to be true !
Or maybe it was the dyslexic Devil worhshipper who sold his soul to Santa
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow thathas passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper,I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at agraveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so theservice was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone andthe hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew leftand they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heartand soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anythinglike that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone andthe hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew leftand they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heartand soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anythinglike that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
Profpointy
Legendary Member
I know I shouldn't like that one, but very good !
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
The other day my blonde neighbour came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck," and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!"
"Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more!"
"What do you mean there's more?"
"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots the Chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive."
"Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily and told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more!"
"What do you mean there's more?"
"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots the Chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive."
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
Or the dyslexic insomniac agnostic who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks "Might as well" and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" The guy now believes he's being divinely guided, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "DAMMIT!" shouts the voice...
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
David Bowie.
David Bowie who?
Ah, how soon we forget...
Who's there?
David Bowie.
David Bowie who?
Ah, how soon we forget...
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
Knock Knock
Who's there
Avon, your bell is broken.
Who's there
Avon, your bell is broken.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian asked, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian asked, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."
