Any good jokes ... ?

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A computer once beat me at chess. Mind you, it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Tell that to Jason Bradbury.... the first robot he built he programmed to help him practice kick-boxing - the first time he turned it on it kicked his front teeth out!

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
(Rowan Atkinson)

 

[john59]

The jewish pickle factory

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his trousers and underpants only to find a normal completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too.

 

[john59]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

 

[machew]

An ancient Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down and says:
"I'll have a martinus please."
"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks.
The Ancient Roman replies:
"If I wanted a double I would have asked for it."

 

[machew]

Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

 

[Cubist]

Guy from the sawmill walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five pints please"

 

[john59]

A married couple are driving along a doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
She suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice,
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
Here husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
She speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,
she says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
She pushes her luck.
"I want the house,"
She says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too,"
she continues.
65 mph.
"And,"
she says,
"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her a wee bit nervous, so she asks him:
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need."
he says.
"Oh, really?"
She inquires,
"so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
"The airbag !!!!!!".

 

[machew]

Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

The same Roman sticks up one finger with his other hand and says "Better make that four beers instead."

 

[machew]

Pavlov Is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shoot, I forgot to feed the dog!”

 

[theclaud]

A married couple are driving along a doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.
She suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice,
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
Here husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45 mph.
She speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,
she says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
She pushes her luck.
"I want the house,"
She says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too,"
she continues.
65 mph.
"And,"
she says,
"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her a wee bit nervous, so she asks him:
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need."
he says.
"Oh, really?"
She inquires,
"so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
"The airbag !!!!!!".

There are some seriously repugnant jokes in this thread.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs as they always take things, literally.

 

[Milkfloat]

There are some seriously repugnant jokes in this thread.

Where?

 

[machew]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[colly]

I say, I say, I say, how would I know?